Anyway, "Lost" returns tonight (and along with it, my long and rambling post-episode blog posts,) and I'm fairly excited. As in, "it's all I think about now that the college football season is over" excited.
So here are my totally 100% guaranteed to be accurate predictions for the fourth season.
The Smoke Monster Will Finally Reveal Itself
In a stunning cross promotional move between JJ Abrams franchises, it's gonna be the monster from Cloverfield, hereby referred to as Cloverfield. Which makes him less scary. As in, "look out, it's Cloverfield!" It just doesn't have the same ring to it as Godzilla, King Kong, or even Mothra, who, as his namesake implies, is...a giant moth. Anyway, Cloverfield will turn out to have drinking problems, get arrested with a DUI after shooting one day, not get along with the cast, and go the way of Mr. Ecco and Ana-Lucia. In a spiral of self destruction, Cloverfield will become addicted to pain killers, write a tell all book that reveals Mathew Fox to be a racist, and pose nude in Maxim.
In Another Cross Promotional Coup, The Cast of "Juno" Will Crash Land On the Island.
And about the first time one of them says "honest to blog," sings a Moldy Peaches song, or stops narrative progress to talk about hipster bands and obscure Italian horror movies that a former stripper screenwriter thinks would be cool for a sixteen year old girl to like...Sayid will kill them all.
Hurley Will Still Not Shed Any Weight.
This is a real prediction you can take to the bank. I've always loved how the writers have tried to address it, especially when they revealed that Hurley has a secret stash of Ranch dressing he hid from his fellow survivors. I'd probably do the same thing. Ranch is fucking good.
Despite Predictions Of An Upset Or At Least A Close Game, The Patriots Will Massacre The Giants
As long as I'm doing predictions, why not?
The People Jack Talks To On The Radio Are...
The Harlem Globetrotters! Didn't you ever see that episode of "Gilligan's Island?" They promised them that they'd send help back. They promised them!
In The New Flash Forward Structure, We'll Learn More About The Near Future
Though clearly, in the future, fake beards don't look anymore convincing.
Charlie Is Not Dead
But he will have amnesia.
Locke Will Get Engaged To The Island
But after a stormy six month engagement, Locke will break it off, saying that the two have grown apart.
If the Writer's Strike Doesn't End Soon, All The Lost Fans Out There Are Going To Be Pretty Pissed Off In Eight Weeks
Especially when the eighth and final episode that has been produced before the strike began turns out to be about Nicki and Paulo.
Check out which of my predictions come true tonight on "Lost." I'm pretty sure the "Juno" thing is going to happen. I know I'd love it if that movie and everything about it crash landed on a remote island (except for Michael Cera. He must be protected, as he is a national treasure.)
Jack To The Future
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