Let's Get "Lost" Tonight (You Can Be My Black Kate Austen Tonight)

First off I apologize for the awful Kanye reference in the title. Oh wait, I don't. Because it's awesome.

Anyway, "Lost" returns tonight (and along with it, my long and rambling post-episode blog posts,) and I'm fairly excited. As in, "it's all I think about now that the college football season is over" excited.

So here are my totally 100% guaranteed to be accurate predictions for the fourth season.

The Smoke Monster Will Finally Reveal Itself
In a stunning cross promotional move between JJ Abrams franchises, it's gonna be the monster from Cloverfield, hereby referred to as Cloverfield. Which makes him less scary. As in, "look out, it's Cloverfield!" It just doesn't have the same ring to it as Godzilla, King Kong, or even Mothra, who, as his namesake implies, is...a giant moth. Anyway, Cloverfield will turn out to have drinking problems, get arrested with a DUI after shooting one day, not get along with the cast, and go the way of Mr. Ecco and Ana-Lucia. In a spiral of self destruction, Cloverfield will become addicted to pain killers, write a tell all book that reveals Mathew Fox to be a racist, and pose nude in Maxim.

In Another Cross Promotional Coup, The Cast of "Juno" Will Crash Land On the Island.
And about the first time one of them says "honest to blog," sings a Moldy Peaches song, or stops narrative progress to talk about hipster bands and obscure Italian horror movies that a former stripper screenwriter thinks would be cool for a sixteen year old girl to like...Sayid will kill them all.

Hurley Will Still Not Shed Any Weight.
This is a real prediction you can take to the bank. I've always loved how the writers have tried to address it, especially when they revealed that Hurley has a secret stash of Ranch dressing he hid from his fellow survivors. I'd probably do the same thing. Ranch is fucking good.

Despite Predictions Of An Upset Or At Least A Close Game, The Patriots Will Massacre The Giants
As long as I'm doing predictions, why not?

The People Jack Talks To On The Radio Are...
The Harlem Globetrotters! Didn't you ever see that episode of "Gilligan's Island?" They promised them that they'd send help back. They promised them!

In The New Flash Forward Structure, We'll Learn More About The Near Future
Though clearly, in the future, fake beards don't look anymore convincing.

Charlie Is Not Dead
But he will have amnesia.

Locke Will Get Engaged To The Island
But after a stormy six month engagement, Locke will break it off, saying that the two have grown apart.

If the Writer's Strike Doesn't End Soon, All The Lost Fans Out There Are Going To Be Pretty Pissed Off In Eight Weeks
Especially when the eighth and final episode that has been produced before the strike began turns out to be about Nicki and Paulo.

Check out which of my predictions come true tonight on "Lost." I'm pretty sure the "Juno" thing is going to happen. I know I'd love it if that movie and everything about it crash landed on a remote island (except for Michael Cera. He must be protected, as he is a national treasure.)


Jack To The Future

The Ballad Of Johnny Saltlake, Or Sundance In a Day and a Half

I promised that I'd follow up my small post about Salt Lake City with a full report from my Sundance trip almost two weeks ago. Seeing as I am a pretty lazy blogger, any of my (millions of loyal) readers would not be blamed for thinking I was never going to fulfill my promise. But here I am, ready to give you the lowdown on the trip and my experiences at Sundance 08.

I jumped into the loaded car with three friends, one of whom had his film, Freezer Burn (which is a really cool and funny comedy that blends elements of science fiction, romance, and character drama into a very original and impressive first feature,) in the Park City Film Music Festival. We drove into Vegas first, and stayed at the Stratosphere. As a major Vegas fanatic, I can now, with full confidence, recommend that you never stay at the Stratosphere. You might as well be in Primm, Nevada (the gas station/ resort 50 miles away from Vegas for people who can't wait less than an hour to feed the demons of their gambling addiction.) The Stratosphere is a bland and ugly place, and the drinks aren't cheap enough to justify how bland and ugly it is. Give me a scummier cheap casino, one of the few remaining classic casinos, or even one of the ridiculous Disney-fied themed Casinos over the Stratosphere. The Stratosphere fails to be any of those things, while featuring some of the worst aspects of all three. Hell, I'll take Circus Circus over it. Because, even though you feel like you might get stabbed by a meth addict at any given moment in Circus Circus, the place has character.

We mostly were in sin city just to sleep, so we only hit the casino floor for about an hour and a half...which was enough time to get five strong whiskey drinks in me and lose 40 bucks playing roulette. Satisfied and drunk, I retired to my room for a brief night of sleep before we hit the road to Utah.

Utah- gorgeous place that I hope to avoid visiting other than for future Sundance trips. But the state didn't get truly disturbing until we entered the Salt Lake City limits. The billboards were the first things that creeped me out. Weird bible quotes, ads for motels that claimed "Brigham says the La Quinta Inn is the coziest in Utah!." an ad for "the first R-rated Mormon film," one of those "adopt a highway" signs that said the highway was adopted by "mothers against gun control," and weirdest of all, a few giant ads that had pictures of recently departed people with their date of birth and death listed on them. I'm sorry for your loss, but did you need to advertise that your family member died?

Then there were the street names. Turn right from West100North Street onto North100East Street. Are the mormons just too uncreative to think of street names or are they just fucking with us secular sinners?

And of course, there are those pesky alcohol laws. Only one ounce of booze per drink, unless you order a "sidecar," which is a second ounce of alcohol served in a shot glass that the bartender is not allowed to pour into your drink for you. And most of the bars are actually called "social clubs," which means you have to pay to get a "membership" to drink there. Even the beer has lower alcohol content in Utah. I guess the Mormons figured that if they're going to Heaven for their beliefs, they should put themselves through Hell on Earth before they die.

The locals seemed to be borderline openly hostile to the invasion of Hollywood types. I used to read about how agents, actors, and directors would invade the town and drive the locals crazy sipping their lattes and yammering on their cell phones (a 90s version of Hollywood stereotypes, I know since this is what everyone in America is like at this point,) and I sympathized. But after a few encounters with SLC citizens, I lost all sympathy. The girls at the CVS Pharmacy near our hotel were openly making comments about us and said as we walked out "but what do we know, we're just a bunch of hicks." I didn't say it, you did. Listen, not to be a jerk, but you work at a CVS in Salt Lake City. You can't make me feel bad about anything in my life.

So, anyway, Sundance. Park City was a short half hour drive up a mountain from Salt Lake, and once you got into town, it was gorgeous. Snow blanketed the entire charming ski town, and being a California native, snow is something that you generally have to drive into mountains to see. It was a frigid 11 degrees outside when we got into Park City, but we bundled up and braved the crowds. We only ended up seeing one movie for a short, day and a half trip to the festival, but it was a doozy- George Romero's newest zombie pic, "Diary of the Dead." The movie was probably Romero's most bluntly political (in a series of bluntly political horror films) but it also had more gore and action than the previous entry into the series, "Land of the Dead." The whole film was shot handheld, with a digital camera, supposedly by one of the main characters, ala "Cloverfield." The device works about as well as it does in the JJ Abrams monster movie, but the characters address the fact that their friend won't stop filming during a crisis way more than Hud's friends do in the year's first blockbuster. Anyway, there was lots of zombie gore, a crazy sequence with a mute Amish badass, and plenty of left leaning political commentary. My kind of movie.

And the good old hippie/ icon of gory and violent horror cinema, Romero, was there, telling the crowd that "I'm a little drunk," and earnestly explaining that "Diary" is "one from the heart." The guy sat two rows behind my friends and I, which was great.

As for the famous Park City celebrity sightings, we had very few of note other than the awesome Romero Q and A. We saw the guy who plays Lloyd on "Entourage," but I've seen him at almost every single slightly big hollywood event I've ever been to as press, so that's hardly one to get stoked about. Our fellow travelers did go to a big MySpace party that Maroon 5 played at and met USC Great Reggie Bush (who my dog is named after, which would have been a weird thing to tell him if I had been at the party) and Perez Hilton. I wonder if those two had anything to say to eachother. Unfortunately, one of my friends got kicked out of the party because some of the former USC players were trying to get their friends in using his bracelet. Not being an SC alumni, I have a feeling he probably thinks a little less of the Trojans than I do. Just slightly. We met up with him after the movie while he huddled in the mall for warmth as we imagined a zombie apocalypse destroying the agents and assistants working the many parties along the frozen streets of Sundance.

Mostly our festival experience taught us that we should probably plan a little more in advance before we go, get ourselves some real Sundance badges and decide what we want to see ahead of time. And oh yeah, probably spend more than just a day in Sundance and try and be there after the first couple days, when nobody is really there yet and none of the big films are screening. All the reports from Sundance 08 I've read in the media have made me feel like I didn't miss much... there didn't seem to be many gems in the festival this year that critics and audiences are excited about. And if the current version of a Sundance "gem" is something as overrated as the cute but not that cute as last year's big hit (and current best picture nominee, WTF,) "Juno," than I weep for the state of American independent cinema.

Our drive back from Utah turned out to be the best part of the trip. As a creative challenge, we decided to start writing a screenplay with the goal of completing a feature by the time we got home. We only got fifteen pages deep, but we decided to keep going with it and finished the script last night. The script is called Johnny Saltlake, and it's about a badass from the town he's named for who seeks revenge on the bad guy who wronged him, befriends a coyote in the desert, runs for Utah state office in order to change the aforementioned liquor laws, fights a giant, Cloverfield-like monster, kills a group of ninja assassins with a chainsaw, discovers a global Mormon conspiracy, fights a flying Shark, hangs out with Martians, becomes the savior of mankind, and smokes. A lot. And that's only part one.

We finished the script yesterday, and it's a full blown, ninety minute feature. And it's totally, completely insane. So if one great thing came out of Sundance 08, it's "Johnny Saltlake." Maybe there's hope for the American indie film scene after all.

The Decline of Coachella

The Coachella lineup was announced this week, seemingly much earlier in the year than usual. Perhaps the festival's promoters announced the acts so early this year in order to make up for the extremely underwhelming and somewhat bizarre group of acts they've assembled.

Roger Waters doing “Dark Side of the Moon” is their top headliner? Oh my god everyone, let’s spend $100 to see the guy from Pink Floyd drag out that old warhorse of an album at Coachella even though we didn’t spend $30 to see the same thing when he played it at every local amphitheater across the country a year ago! I feel like Waters has been touring “Dark Side” for the better part of a decade now, so how is his playing it at Coachella supposed to be the big headline that makes you jump up and say “oh fuck, I have to go to Coachella this year or I’ll regret it for the rest of my life!” This is the festival in which The Pixies played their first reunion show in the same year that Radiohead and Kraftwerk played just a few years ago. Maybe if they had put together a full Pink Floyd reunion, then that would have been something to get excited about…or not. I’m no longer a stoned high school student, so it’s hard for me to get really excited about Pink Floyd at this point in my life.

Led Zeppelin reunited last month and is probably going to tour the U.S. soon. If they wanted the stoned teenager in all of us to come out for Coachella, couldn’t they have tried harder to get the Led out?

And then there’s the first day’s headliner…Jack fucking Johnson. Really? Really? This is the best you could do? I guess Coachella has really abandoned adventurous music fans and turned towards taking cash from bros who just want to listen to some chill tunes and drink some cold brews in the sun while they play hackey sack, toss Frisbees, take their shirts off, continue to repress their latent homosexuality, and just generally drain their father’s trust funds. Coachella used to be a place to where music lovers would make a pilgrimage to the desert to see edgy and interesting musicians, and now one of their headliners is a guy whose brand of boring acoustic rock is blandly inoffensive enough to be used as the soundtrack for the “Curious George” movie.

There are a few surreal choices clearly meant to fulfill the 90s nostalgia industry that will probably hit its peak in a couple years with nostalgia for 90s era 70s and 80s nostalgia. The Verve is playing…huh? I liked that “Bittersweet Symphony” song as much as everyone else did in the nineties, but did they even ever record another song after that? Without orchestral Rolling Stones samples, that band had nothing. Then there’s Portishead and Fatboy Slim, filling in the slot that Massive Attack occupied two Coachellas ago, and proving that not every ninties electro act was created equal.

And, oh boy, Tegan and Sara are there again. Yay. Do those girls just live at Coachella? Their shrill and annoying acoustic rock will make you wish that Sheryl Crow was playing. Or that you were dead.

And then there’s Dwight Yoakam. Country superstar Dwight Yoakam, who has sold millions of albums, getting lower billing than Death Cab For Cutie at a festival that is utterly lacking in country music and country music fans. Anybody wearing a cowboy hat at Coachella is just trying to be ironic. How did Dwight even end up on this bill? Was there some sort of bizarre trade between the indie rock and Country music worlds? Somewhere out there, is Built to Spill nervously playing a set between Garth Brooks and Tim McGraw, trying to avoid beer cans tossed at their heads when they criticize President Bush between songs?

As a sidebar though, Mr. Yoakam was quite amazing in the Jason Statham action junk movie “Crank,” playing the doctor who provides Statham with the movie’s exposition and explaining that he needs to inject himself with adrenaline…or his heart will stop.

It just feels like the festival planners don't know who their audience is anymore now that Coachella has grown so massive. Or maybe they have figured it out, and I'm just not part of that audience anymore, which is kind of sad. And what do I know? Maybe all the hipsters will show up to see Dwight’s set... but you know, ironically. And only because there’s nothing else good to see at the festival this year.

SLC WTF

My last post was a bit on the negative and angry side, so I hoped my next entry would be positive and happy in order to show the world that I'm not just another embittered blogger ranting and raving anonymously over the internet. Unfortunately, I stayed in Salt Lake City this week while attending my first Sundance film festival. And discussing Salt Lake City makes positivity...difficult.

So instead of bitching about Salt Lake in this entry (that will come later,) I'm just going to post a picture of a sculpture of a cow wearing a jet pack that was across the street from the Marriot we stayed at. It's literally the only cool thing I saw in Salt Lake City. And the only thing that didn't piss me off, annoy me, bore me, or just plain creep me out in the entire fucked up city.

I'll post more about my epic three day trip later. Reggie Bush and George Romero are involved, so stay tuned.

2007: These Are Some of My Favorite Things

I'm working on my top ton movies of 2007 list (I'm still woefully behind on big titles, but I'm getting there,) so I decided to make a pop cultural grab bag of other stuff I really dug in 07 (and a few things I really hated.)

FUNNIEST SHOW ON TV: 30 Rock
Tina Fey's sharp and absurd sitcom is the show that has carried on the tradition of the great, dearly departed "Arrested Development." And the show's second season is where it really took off, delivering some of the biggest laughs network TV has ever given the viewing public. Alec Baldwin talked about leaving the show during the summer hiatus because of his personal problems, but it's great for America that he didn't. His "coming out" speech when he tells his Republican peers that he's dating a Female Democratic Senator is classic, matched by his scene where he accompanies Tracy Morgan to therapy, playing the part of his entire family- and basing his impressions on seventies sitcom characters. The cast has morphed into one of the most unrelentingly funny ensembles on television. Morgan's delivery can make even the most banal lines hilarious, while Jack McBrayer, as weirdo NBC paige Kenneth, has created a truly "funny because he's weird" character, and Jane Krakowski is delightfully ditzy as the self centered actress Jenna. The show has featured a great list of guest stars, including Jerry Seinfeld, "Arrested's" Will Arnett, "The Sopranos'" Edie Falco, and even Princess Leah herself, Carrie Fisher, while never using them in a gimicky way. But it's Fey who really anchors the show, and her performance as the overworked, romantically challenged producer Liz Lemon is equal parts charming, sweet, and funny. She's really grown into her role this year, while continuing to run the entire show. The forced hiatus of this show right in the middle of their scorching hot second season might just be the biggest tragedy of the Writer's Strike. Come on, producers and WGA, settle this thing- we need our "30 Rock" back.

BEST DRAMA ON TV: Friday Night Lights
Who wouldathunk that a show about football would also be the most honest show on television about race, class, and life in small town America. Kyle Chandler should run for president after playing the most decent man on TV, Coach Taylor, and his young ensemble of players all have their moments to shine. I'm behind on the second season of "Nights," but the first season was one for the record books. If you're not watching this show yet, start now. Tune in, and make sure you've got some tissue- you'll probably cry. A lot.

MOST OVERRATED SHOW ON TV: Heroes
So this was supposed to be my list of things I liked. So what? It's my list, and I'll be negative if I want to. Fans of Tim Kring's X-Men ripoff are disappointed with season 2 of the show. Which seems dumb, since season one is nothing to write home about. I've watched the first season on DVD, and while there are a few intriguing episodes, it was mostly boring. I don't like most of the characters, and everyone's favorite Hero, the Japanese time traveler named...Hiro (how clever,) comes off as more or less a giant, obnoxious stereotype. And the show had one of the absolute worst season finales I've ever seen. The show led you to believe everything was coming together for a big, fatalistic ending...and then just a whimper. Speaking of finales, this lead us to...

MOST HOLYSHITFUCK TWO HOURS OF TV IN 2007: Lost Season Finale
I don't know how much else I can really say about this amazing episode. It was a shocking, gripping, edge of your seat thrill ride, with a "game changing" twist in the very last scene that left each and every "Lostie" breathless. This amazing episode, along with the producers' announcement that they had an end date for the show in sight, and therefore could tell the story the way they wanted to and on their own terms, restored the faith of every one of the show's fans, and reminded us why we the story of the survivors of Flight 815 grabbed us in the first place. And it made us forgive them for the Nicki and Paulo episode (which I'm kind of a secret fan of anyway.)

MOST DISAPPOINTING TV SHOW: 24
I am a "24" nut. I defended the decisions of the show's producers in the latest season, sure that they had some plan to make it all come together in a way that would satisfy. The first four episodes were some of the finest work done on the show ever. Yet this last season, as a whole, was an utter disappointment that veered too often into ridiculous territory. The most intriguing part of the season- Jack's father showing up- was poorly handled, and, combined with some of the most unmemorable villains in the show's history, this was by far the weakest season in the show's history. "24" was guaranteed pulse pounding thrills and suspense, but delivered nothing but frustration in "day six." Maybe the writer's strike all but scrapping day seven will give the writers and producers time to fix the problems and get "24" back on track.

BEST ALBUM OF 2007: Radiohead's In Rainbows
Amid all the hype behind Radiohead's grand experiment in releasing their latest album for download and allowing fans to "pay what they want," the actual quality of the album was sort of ignored. Reactions by fans have been mixed, but I think the new album is remarkably coherent, confident, and just simply gorgeous. The band mixes electronic music with rock and roll in a way that is much more organic than their messy previous effort, "Hail to the Thief." And it's a more mature, grown up album too- Thom Yorke's lyrics seem a bit less alienated, and a bit more hopeful. "Reckoner" may be the most gorgeous track they've ever recorded.

BEST VIDEO GAME OF 2007: Super Mario Galaxy
Nintendo finally shows us what they were trying to do when they thought of the Wii with this endlessly innovative and inventive game, the latest entry into the most successful video game franchise ever. The gameplay in "Galaxy" is constantly evolving and changing up on the player, and it's just a pure joy to experience. It's also one of those games that reminds you that video games are supposed to be fun...and you will have nothing but fun in this amazing game. How many other twenty year old franchises, in video games, movies, or television, are still this fresh and inventive after all this time?

BEST X-BOX 360 GAME OF 2007: Bioshock
The ambitious first person shooter combines Ayn Rand with classic shooter gameplay, and sets the whole thing in an amazing underwater city. It's one of the most atmospheric games I've ever played, and the fact that the creators tried to tie in literary themes is really cool and ambitious. Too bad the game falls apart a bit in the end, but overall, "Bioshock" is a unique experience, and it's totally worth taking the dive.

BEST PS2 GAME OF 2007: GOD OF WAR 2
The PS2 could not have had a better swan song than this sequel to the amazing "God of War." Everything is bigger and more kick ass in the sequel. Sure, the story is kind of a rehash of part one...but you won't care as you pull the eyes out of an attacking cyclops and fly through the world map using Icars's wings. It's just completely kick ass.

BEST NOVEL I READ IN 2007: The Yiddish Policeman's Union, By Michael Chabon
Chabon's followup to his Pulitzer Prize Winning novel, "The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay," may not be as fun and entertaining as his historical epic about comic books, love, and the 20th century. But "Union" is equally ambitious, telling the alternate reality murder mystery set in an Alaska that became the Jewish homeland instead of Israel. The imaginative novel combines classic hard boiled lit conventions with big ideas about Jewishness and their struggle for a homeland, managing to say a lot about the Middle East from the snowy peaks of Alaska.

BEST CONCERTS I'M NOT ASHAMED ROCKED MY ASS OFF IN 2007: Tie: Elton John in Las Vegas/ Billy Joel in Las Vegas
I'm usually an indie rock snob, but these two shows, in which the crowds consisted of middle aged yupppies who wouldn't understand why The National doesn't haven an s at the end of their name and would shake their heads in sadness thinking I was referring to a terrible tragedy at the mention of The Arcade Fire totally rocked my socks off. The Piano men reminded me what real showmanship is and kind of put all those indie rockers, with their shy and soft spoken stage demeanors, to shame. I guess that's why these guys charge over 100 bucks a ticket for decent seats. And also because all their yuppie fans have good jobs.

CHEESY PIRATE THEMED DINNER THEATER EXPERIENCE THAT COST ONLY TWENTY THREE BUCKS OF 2007: The Pirate Dinner Adventure in Buena Park
I probably enjoyed this more because I didn't pay the full 46 bucks to attend this silly evening of swashbuckling and...singing. The food was bland, the wine was crap, the beer was cheap and watered down, and the show had a silly Christmas theme to it. But I got to put on a pirate vest and help pull up a sail, and I only paid half price. If you're looking for a night out that involves a pirate show along with your meal, then this is your only option. But if you're more into jousting Knights, Medieval Times is right next door.

BEST TRIP TO VEGAS OF 2007:Billy Joel/ Jerry Seinfeld Trip, November
I went to Vegas a lot in 2007. Like once every two months. So I had a lot of fun trips to pick from. But the weekend we went to Sin City to see Billy Joel, and ended up getting tickets for Jerry Seinfeld as well, was probably the best. There was plenty of drinking, the Piano Man, observational humor, a stay in the gloriously cheesy New York New York. Plus the Rio buffet!

MOST INCREDIBLE MEAL OF 2007 (AND PROBABLY MY LIFE:) Emeril's "Kitchen Table" Meal, Las Vegas MGM
My friend Kyle invited me and another friend to meet his hooked in Disney friend...at Emeril's Vegas location, where were treated like VIPs at their famous "kitchen table" area. We were treated to an amazing six course meal with amazing foods I've never tried, an incredible glass of wine per course, and then a pile of amazing deserts at the end, which included the amazing and famous Bannana Cream Pie. I don't want to think about what the bill came out to in the end. I just want to think about the food.

MOST SOUL SHATTERING DEATH OF 2007: Kurt Vonnegut
That one hurt. "Slaughterhouse 5" rearranged my brain when I read in high school. Some people say you grow out of Vonnegut as you get older. These people are just trying to be cool. The guy saw this country for what it was, and it made him sad and angry, but he still had hope and compassion for all the people who let him down for so long. America lost their funniest, most whip smart, satirical, clear eyed, honest, and humane writer last year. So it goes.

BEST PART OF 2007 ENDING: Bush Has One More Year
'Nuff said. Happy 08, fans.

The Ikea in Burbank (Or Hell 2.0)

Patton Oswalt is a genius. The latest proof of this fact is a list he's written of the "5 Angriest Parking Lots in Los Angeles"

5. Bally's Gym & Fitness on El Centro
4. The Ross/7-11/various other stores at La Brea and Sunset
3. The entire Century City facility
2. The Starbucks at the corner of Overland and Washington
1. The Ikea in Burbank

This is a solid list, as any Angelino would note. But his pick for number one is pure genius.

The fucking Ikea in Burbank.

That place fills my heart and brain with a burning hate and rage that no quantity of puppies or ice cream could ever hope to cure.

My friend who lives in Burbank put it best when he said, in Instant Message poetry:
Kyle: parking AT ikea, or the parking FOR ikea?
the parking lot across from Ikea?
or the parking lot where you load your stuff from?
hmm, i guess I just answered the question
he probably means both
just from the sheer act of there even being both

Exactly.

That place is like the tenth circle of hell, a circle so shitty and depressing that Dante didn't include it in "The Inferno" because he didn't want to bum out his readers. And that's a book where people are buried in excrement just because they were "flatterers."

The steps for parking at the Burbank Ikea are as follows:
1: Find parking in a stupid, usually filled lot across from the Ikea.
2: Go through the annoying process of fighting your way through Ikea and buying your shit (an activity infuriating enough that it warrants its own post)
3: Have a friend or loved one who accompanied you on your odyssey wait with your shit right outside the Ikea.
3.5: Failing that, if you have no friends who like you enough to go to Ikea with you (don't feel bad if they say no; they'd better like you a whole fucking lot, considering that you're asking them to go to the fucking Ikea in Burbank) leave your giant boxes of crappy furniture with cutesy Swedish names outside the store unaccompanied and pray it isn't stolen as you...
4: Run back to your parked car, fight your way out of the overfilled, tiny parking lot.
5: Turn right out of the parking lot (because there is no left turn,) then drive to the end of the street, and either turn left or make an illegal U-Turn because you're not allowed to turn into the fucking Ikea lot when you exit the parking lot.
6: Park in the temporary lot in front of the Ikea and load your heavy yet cheap furniture. (It's cheap for a reason and will probably last you no more than a year. This is why the man who own Ikea is the richest person in the world...he's made his money off the backs of all those poor college students who don't have the cash to buy something a little more expensive that will last them for much more time in the long run.)
7: Go home.
8: Drink.

And oh yeah, it's somehow always raining when you travel to the Ikea in Burbank. It never rains in LA...unless you have to go to the fucking Ikea in Burbank.

Fuck you, Ikea in Burbank. Fuck you.

2007: It Was a Very Good Year

So I've finally got around to publishing my Best Movies of 2007 list... I figured maybe I should get to it before most of the "Best of 2008" movies hit theaters (though I'm sure "One Missed Call," "Prom Night," and "Tyler Perry's Whatever This Week's Tyler Perry Movie Is Called," will all end up on end of the year lists.)

There Will Be Blood
P.T. Anderson's stunning vision of the rise of California Oil tycoon Daniel Plainview is the most engrossing movie of the year. At times a terrifying horror movie and at times a hilariously over the top black comedy, Anderson's film is both classically structured and completely modern, and it's quirks and strange details make it of a piece with the filmmaker's other work, even though his previous period piece only went as far back as the 1970's San Fernando Valley Porn industry. Anderson really comes into his own in this stunningly singular vision, while remaining true to the promise of his earlier work. And Daniel Day Lewis's performance as Plainview is amazing, scary, and obsessive, a train wreck you can't peel your eyes away from. Johnny Greenwood's score, all screeching violins and loud bursts of noise, gets under your skin like very few pieces of film music have done before it. Brilliant.

Zodiac
David Fincher's obsessively detailed recreation of the Zodiac murders is a major step forward in the filmmaker's career, revealing a new maturity from the talented provocateur of "Seven" and "Fight Club." The director recreates the case and era as obsessively as the film's hero, proving along the way that mountains of facts and informaiton don't necesarrily reveal the truth. And for such an expository movie, it's awfully entertaining and thrilling. It's filmmaking of the absolute highest caliber.

I'm Not There
Todd Haynes's exhilerating Bob Dylan biopic features six different actors playing Dylan (or versions of Dylan) in an exploration of the musician's ever shifting personas. By the end of Haynes's long, strange journey, we are not really any closer to knowing the "real" Bob Dylan...and Haynes (and Dylan himself) wouldn't have it any other way.

No Country For Old Men
In a very good year for big name auteurs like Fincher, Cronenberg, and the two Andersons, The Brothers Coen deliver perhaps their finest film (no small feat from the guys who made "Fargo," "The Big Lebowski," "Blood Simple," "Millers Crossing," "Raising Arizona," and lots of other awesome,) with this masterpiece of mood, atmosphere, and tension. And Javier Bardem is scary as hell.

Ratatouille
Brad Bird is a genius, and he sets yet another high water mark for American animation with this Pixar tale of a rat who dreams of becoming a gourmet chef. This is not just kid's stuff..."Ratatouille" is a sophisticated comedy about the struggle of an artist to create and a cry out against mediocrity. The scene in which the snooty food critic Atom Ego has his first bite of the dish created by the unlikely chef is a beauty. The silent moment is at once funny, moving, and triumphant, and a graceful reminder of how great art- any art, be it food, film, music, or even a cartoon about a rat- can emotionally affect us. It's possibly the single most trancendent moment in American film of the year. Plus that little rat is really freaking cute.

Eastern Promises
David Cronenberg's newest films have been more "mainstream" than his previous work, yet none of them have sacrificed one iota of the filmmaker's themes or personal obsessions. Viggo Mortensen is stunning as a mysterious driver for Russian mobsters in London, whose loyalties and motivations remain murky until the final fade out. And his naked knife fight is one of the most jaw droppingly well directed sequences in any movie from 2007.

The Darjeeling Limited
I'm a Wes Anderson nut, and I was initially disappointed with his latest film. But the movie has grown sturdier in my memory, revealing itself as Anderson's most mature work to date. The story of three over privileged brothers on a train ride through India who try and plan a "spiritual journey" and find something else entirely, Anderson cut down on the quirk without diluting his very strong and unique voice. I didn't get lost in the world of the film like I did with every one of his previous films, didn't laugh as often or feel as deeply moved, but it's still a damn good film...and it's got me thrilled to see what the most original and distinct voice in American cinema has in store for us next.

The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters
One of the most entertaining movies of the year, period. A documentary about the battle to post high scores in classic arcade video games may not sound exciting, but the filmmakers take their set up and turn it into the stuff of high drama- and comedy. When mild mannered teacher Steve Wiebe sets a new record on arcade classic Donkey Kong, he unleashes the wrath of mulletted hot sauce maker Billy Mitchell, the self proclaimed "gamer of the century." What follows is a battle of wills that builds into a shockingly compelling sports movie, featuring two challengers with zero athletic ability. Mitchell turns out to be one of the most entertainingly hissable screen villains in movie history, while the good natured Wiebe becomes the arcade set's Rocky Balboa right before our very eyes. Filled with beyond colorful characters, "The King of Kong" turns a subject that could have turned off general audiences into a nail biting, laugh out loud blast of entertainment.

Knocked Up/ Superbad
Judd Apatow has had a legendary year (despite the mediocre box office of the just okay "Walk Hard," which he wrote and produced) and his one/ two summer punch of "Knocked Up" and "Superbad" are great for different reasons. "Superbad" is one of the filthiest and funniest teen movies to hit theaters in years, and it had audiences rolling in the aisles like no other comedy in a long time. But "Knocked Up," Apatow's personally felt story of a stoner who decides to grow up so he can become worthy of the beautiful woman he impregnantes after a one night stand is the one that has earned (exaggerated though not completely unjustified) comparisons to "The Graduate." A flawed, sometimes uneven comedy, "Knocked Up" became an instant classic because it's full of big laughs, heart, and if you look for it, universal truths. Apatow is surfing the zeitgeist and changing film comedy for the better, and "Knocked Up" is perhaps the most significant mainstream Hollywood release of the year. He's changing the way the industry makes comedies, and that's a good thing.

Charlie Wilson's War
In a year when a handful of political films failed to excite audiences or critics, "Charlie Wilson's War" told what could have been a boring and preachy story of the senator who got the Russians out of Afghanistan and helped end the Cold War and in the process armed and trained the very people who would turn on us on 9/11...into a light on it's feet and funny as hell comedy. Tom Hanks gets to subvert his Mr. Nice Guy family man persona yet still charms as the hard drinking, womanizing titular senator. But it's Philip Seymour Hoffman, a national treasure at this point, who steals the movie from megastars Hanks and Julia Roberts as the CIA spook who helps Charlie Wilson pull of his war.

The Host
This Korean monster movie is a crazy genre hybrid, switching tones between over the top comedy to edge of your set horror to tear jerking pathos at the drop of the hat. When pollution, dumped by American companies, creates a pissed off monster who lives in an urban river, a family fights to find their missing kid. Also, the monster looks really cool, and the filmmakers are wise enough to not hide him until the end of the movie... we get to see the beast early and often.

Persepolis
The animated tale of a defiant Iranian girl growing up during the Muslim revolution, this movie proves that cartoons aren't just for kids. The lovely black and white animation is used to tell a personal, political tale in a medium usually reserved for fart jokes, dated upon release pop culture jokes, and cute talking animals (not to say there's anything wrong with talking animals, considering how gorgeous "Ratatouille" turned out to be.)

The Bourne Ultimatum
The third film in the "Bourne" spy franchise is light on story, and heavy on action. Normally, this would be a criticism of the film, but my god, what awesome action. Paul Greengrass stages his globe trotting action sequences with nerve jangling shaky cam and claustrophobic close ups... and he, unlike most action directors, doesn't forget to make each sequence suspenseful. The movie is a breathless, non stop chase, and it's one of the most exciting action movies in years.

Black Book
Paul Verhoeven returned to Europe after making one too many expensive flops in America... and delivers an excellent tale of a Jewish girl infiltrating a Gestapo headquarters for the Resistence... and falling in love with the Nazi she is supposed to seduce. A crackling, well made thriller with a great performance from the gorgeous Carice Van Houte, Verhoeven's film is none too subtle (like the rest of his work,) but it's exciting, engrossing, and alive.

Grindhouse
The three hour "Grindhouse" experience is an argument for the very act of going to the movies. Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez lovingly recreated the experience of exploitation double features while making very good films in the process of referencing generally very bad ones.

RadioSmiths

Radiohead covers The Smiths' "The Headmaster Ritual."

This is awesome because (as anyone who knows me is fully aware) The Smiths are my all time favorite band. And I discovered Le Smiths by reading interviews with Radiohead, who always list them, The Pixies, and Kraftwerk as their three big influences. Which made me check them out, and knocked Radioheasd off the top spot of...well, being my favorite band.
And oh yeah, the cover kicks total ass. It's probably my favorite Smiths cover I've heard...most covers of their works sounds lacking without his Morrissey-ness singing. But Radiohead, being probably the best, most interesting, and probably most influential band in the world right now, make it their own. Also, it's nice to see the guys in the band, who make generally grim and brainy music, just having fun playing a song they obviously love.
Radiohead's new album, (which, as you've heard unless you live under a rock, is available for download only on their website,) "In Rainbows" is fucking excellent, by the way.

Jack's Back...Soonish

Fox premiered a promo for the seventh season of "24" during the Red Sox/ Rockies World Series Game last night.
Here's a longer version of the clip, (obviously not taken from the game, considering Kiefer's intro thanks "all the British fans of the show.")

It looks like they'll get back on track after "24" fans were letdown by the meandering sixth season, but I have a few random thoughts just based on these two minutes of footage:
- After all the controversy about torture at Gitmo, and the release of the new torture drama "Rendition," it's kind of weird to see the show kind of spitting in the face of anti-torture advocates. Jack Bauer telling a senator that he doesn't regret torturing terrorists is kind of a creepy moment, especially since the most interesting parts of season six were the moments when Jack was obviously torn up and disgusted with himself about the fact that he had to torture. The guy spent a year in a Chinese prison being tortured himself. And then, later in the promo, when his new female partner says "do whatever it takes...torture him if you have to," it's kind of a weird moment. Weirder still is when Jack responds and says "I'm gonna enjoy this." When did Jack start getting off on torturing the bad guys? I always gave "24" a pass for the show's questionable depiction of torture because, y'know, it's an action adventure fantasy show...but that moment was just kind of icky.
-Jack Bauer would think I'm just being a pussy about the whole torture issue.
-That female agent who says she "can handle Jack Bauer?" Yeah, probably not.
-Tony's reappearance is no shocker, since his return to the show was reported a couple months ago all over the media (though it still doesn't make any sense that he lived after being stabbed with a syringe filled with poison,) but now he's a bad guy? He certainly looks the part these days, now that he's sporting a tightly shaved head to go with the angry/ anguished look on his face. But this is the first time one of Jack's closest allies has turned to the dark side since Nina in season one. Tony- say it aint so!
-Tony and his accomplices are attacking...the CIP firewall? Didn't they already do techy terrorists in "Die Hard 4?" Isn't it kind of goofy to put nerdy hackers against kick ass action heroes? Is there some exec at Fox who had the thought that "if Hans Gruber can't kill John McClane, maybe Bill Gates can!"
-Despite these reservations, Season 7 looks like it could be a return bad ass "24" goodness. We all deserve a nail biting, edge of our seats, adrenaline pumping season of "24." Especially those of us who stuck it out past the autistic kid in Season Six.

When a Man Is Pushed Far Enough, Killin's As Easy As Breathin'

So I went to see an early screening of “John Rambo” tonight. For some reason, cinematic genius Joel Schmacher, the man behind “Batman and Robin” and “The Number 23” was on hand. I'm not really sure what he was doing there, but there he was, in all his glory.

Speaking of “John Rambo”...

The movie was a pure, Regan era, exploitation eighties fascist fantasy action movie. It was porn for conservative NRA members…dumb, crass, and even borderline creepy at times in its representation of the evil Burmese rapists and pedophile soldiers.

But when it kicked ass...man did it kick ass. It was so short that it barely felt feature length, yet the beginning stil dragged a bit. But once it got to Rambo killin'...oh mama. Blood, gore, people snapping in half, heads flying off bodies, bodies splitting in two, and a man being turned into nothing more than a gooey pile of guts after Rambo blows him away with a gattling gun at close range. Just kick ass.

It's probably the most violent American action movie that's not trying to say anything intelligent about violence (ala Cronenberg's recent work.) Or maybe it is trying to say something intelligent about violence, but fails miserably.

Whatever. It's Rambo. It probably the best direct to video action movie you'll see in theaters next year, and it spurts blood real nice. Just don't try to think too deeply about the actual, very serious geopolitical situation in Burma, and enjoy Sly's old man, circa 1986 rampage. He looks great for a 90 year old (it's probably the steroids,) though he certainly moves a lot slower than he did a few years ago.

I can't wait for him to do a follow up to “Cliffhanger.”

It Will Be Mine. Oh Yes. It Will Be Mine.

So I got sucked into the iPhone hype a couple months ago, but resisted buying one...because I can't afford one. At all.
And now Apple announces what I've really been waiting for....the touch screen iPod. It's got all the funcionality of the iPhone, without...the phone part. Which I don't need, anyway, since I have a crappy Razr that never works.

It's got the touch screen, the beautiful design, and Wi-Fi. One problem...it's only got 16 gigs of memory. I can't put all my music on just 16 gigs. But whatever...I will have one. Soon.

Another Movie To Get Really Excited About

Here's the delightful trailer for Michel Gondry's "Be Kind Rewind," coming out in December:

Maybe there's won't be much of a story other than Jack Black and Mos Def remaking those classic films, but I really enjoy the trailer. It looks like a really fun love letter to cinephiles everywhere.

I have a feeling that, now that we're coming to the end of the summer blockbuster cycle, the remainder of 2007 could be really special for anybody who loves movies that are about more than big explosions.

WiiTF?

So the Wii Fit trailer was released at E3 this week:

My favorite part of the trailer is when the kid is playing the soccer mini-game... after the digital ball smacks his avatar in the head, he actually rubs his physical, real world head. Does this game smack you in the face if you fail? Cause that, my friends, would be a breakthrough in interactivity.

And seriously, there's an effing YOGA MINIGAME? I mean, for all the Joke Wii games that people have come up with, nobody could have dreamed of, let alone believe Nintendo themselves would put out, a YOGA MINIGAME!

Wii Fit is just the latest example of Nintendo's isanely popular line of video games that aren't actually, technically, in the strictest sense of the phrase, y'know... well, games. This new one fits right in with their very successful "Brain Age" games, which are designed to excercise your brain muscles... and which are so popular that Nicole Kidman is starring in tv spots advertising them:



As ridiculous as it looks, if Wii Fit is actually a fun way to lose some pounds, then I'm all for it. I do like the idea that the pad weighs you and tells you your fitness progress. Maybe they'll even have a Wii Channel where Mario is your personal trainer and berates you into losing more weight, (even though that pasta eating hypocrite doesn't have much room to talk.) As long as I don't have a bag of Doritos and a six pack of beer in front of me while I play it, it might actually be helpful.

Rudin Power!

I used to intern for uber-producer Scott Rudin, who is notorious around Hollywood for his temper and the way he abuses his assistants. Lucky for me, as an intern, I was never on the receiving end of any of one of his mythical tantrums, though I witnessed a loud blow up or two.

But despite the man’s very ill temper, he’s one of the few true genius producers in Hollywood. I just looked at the slate of movies he’s got his name on this year…and almost every film I’m dying to see in the next six months is produced by Rudin. He’s on fire right now, working with some of my absolute favorite working filmmakers…I mean, the guy has the new Wes Anderson, P.T. Anderson, and Coen Brothers movies coming out this year? Are you kidding me?

This is the list of Rudin’s offerings for the rest of 2007:

THERE WILL BE BLOOD
PT Anderson’s period piece, loosely based on Upton Sinclair’s novel “Oil!” The movie stars the mesmerizing Daniel Day Lewis, is scored by musical genius Jon Brion, tells a story that is near and dear to my liberal heart, has an amazing trailer, and is, oh yeah, a new PT Anderson movie. I can’t wait for this one.


THE DARJEELING LIMITED
There is not much known about Wes Anderson’s new comedy/ drama. The internet is buzzing with rumors that Owen Wilson, Adrian Brody, and Jason Schwartzman play siblings on a journey across India, searching for a magical tiger that their father has been resurrected in. But in a recent interview, Anderson denied that the tiger has anything to do with the plot, so I’m not really sure what to expect from this one. The guy made my favorite movie of all time, “Rushmore,” and he’s probably my favorite director. Also, he cast Natalie Portman, which is a plus. Anyone think I’ll be seeing this?


NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
Based on Cormac McCarthy’s novel of the same name, the Coen’s new flick got raves at Cannes and looks like a return to form after their disappointing comedy “The Ladykillers.” The trailer makes the movie look tough and mean, and it seems like a throwback to the Coen’s earlier work, like their brilliant debut, “Blood Simple.” And Javier Bardem looks like he’s going to be amazing in this.


MARGOT AT THE WEDDING
This is writer/ director Noah Baumbach’s follow-up to “The Squid and the Whale,” which was a very good comedic drama about divorce that featured a career best performance from the always underrated Jeff Daniels. A lot of people loved that movie, though I thought it had a few problems. That said, I really dig the trailer to “Margot.” It looks like he’s matured a bit as a director, and what a solid cast. Jack Black looks like he’s really growing as a performer. I’m really pulling for this one to be a home run for Baumbach.


STOP LOSS
Kimberly Pierce finally follows up her excellent “Boys Don’t Cry,” which came out in the previous millennium. This one tells the story of a soldier who deserts the war in Iraq. Sure to be controversial, in a good, very intelligent way. Also, it has “Deadwood’s” Timothy Olyphant, who is finally blowing up these days. Good for him.

NOTHING IS PRIVATE
Writer Alan Ball (“Six Feet Under,” “American Beauty”.) makes his big screen directorial debut about a young Arab-American teenager struggling with her sexuality and bigotry in what is sure to be a provocative, political, and sharp movie. I’ve read a few advanced reviews for this one that were singing the film’s praises. I’m not as huge a fan of “American Beauty” as I was in high school, but I love “Six Feet Under.” This could be great.

MARGARET
Like “Stop Loss,” this one is from a great filmmaker who hasn’t done anything in years. Kenneth Lonergan, who made the fantastic “You Can Count On Me” back in 2000, finally returns to the director’s chair in this story of a young woman who witnesses a bus accident and is swept up in the aftermath to the tragedy. I don’t know much about this one, but I’m excited to see what Lonergan has to offer with his second feature.

THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL and I COULD NEVER BE YOUR WOMAN
These two are chick flicks, and not strictly up my alley, but they both look like they could at least be intelligent and good. “The Other Boleyn Girl” is a period piece about two sisters (Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson) competing for the affections of King Henry VIII (“Munich’s” Eric Bana.) Even if this costume drama is boring, I can at least dream that Portman and Johansson, probably my two biggest actress crushes, are competing for my affections. Lucky you, Eric. “I Could Never Be Your Woman,” from “Clueless” and “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” director Amy Heckerling is about a mother (Michelle Pfeiffer) falling in love with a younger man, played by the hilarious Paul Rudd, who has been picking great roles for the last few years. I don’t know if I’ll see either of these flicks, but if they get great reviews, I’ll certainly check them out.



As a former employee at his company, it makes me kind of proud to see Rudin kicking ass and taking names. It’s amazing to see just how good Rudin’s taste is and how intelligent his choices are. None of his movies are guaranteed mainstream hits, but they’re from the best filmmakers in the business, almost all of whom seem to be taking big risks with controversial and ambitious subject matter. It’s also a testament to how well he works with filmmakers…he may give the people under him hell, but he treats the creative talent really well and gives them an amazing amount of creative control for high profile films. (The amount of rope he gives filmmakers probably explains why all those poor assistants put up with the abuse he dishes out...they figure "I'm willing to take a stapler, hot cup of coffee, or even a computer monitor to the head if I can eventually get a chance to make the kinds of movies that P.T. Anderson, Wes Anderson, and the Coen Brothers get to make.") It’s also very impressive that, in these sequel obsessed times, he can get smart, adult, and controversial movies made at the big studios. I just hope that these movies do well, and maybe Rudin takes home that best picture Oscar that’s alluded him his whole career... if only for the sake of his poor assistants.

Lost Watch: Like, Woah

Episode Title: The Looking Glass Air Date: 5/23/07

There's just so much to talk about.

"Lost's" third season finale was an absolute stunner. Everything is different after last night. And now we're supposed to wait nine months until we get a new episode? It's just not fair.

So, the most important thing we learned last night? They get off the bloody island. At least Jack and Kate do, and probably Claire and her baby, if Desmond’s vision was accurate (as Charlie’s death would imply.) And we learn all this through an all new “Lost” storytelling device. In what has been described as a "game changer" by the producers, last night's Jack flashbacks were not flashbacks at all...they were flashFORWARDS.

Our first clue of this is when we see a depressed, suicidal, alcoholic, pharmaceutical addicted Jack with a very fake beard flying on an Oceanic Airlines flight, then stumbling around LA, a lost soul with nobody to turn to. He reads a newspaper clipping about a dead man and breaks down in tears, leaves a distressed voicemail, then steps to the edge of a bridge, ready to kill himself. Until a car crashes behind him, and Jack has to go back into hero mode, saving a woman and her eight year old child from the burning wreckage.

Immediately, this doesn’t seem like the Jack Shepherd we’re used to. Jack’s an alcoholic? Just when in his past did he become like his dead (or is he?) father? But the writers don’t let us in on their storytelling trick just yet.

Jack also attends the funeral of…someone. He is the only mourner who shows up, and doesn’t ask to view the body. So who is the deceased? We’ll get to that in the end…sort of.

On the island, in the “present” (or past now?) the showdown with The Others is imminent. Sayid, Jin, and Bernard (of all people) stay behind to blow the tents when Ben’s goons show up as the rest of the survivors head off to the radio tower to shut off Rousseau’s distress call, while Charlie is being held prisoner by some a couple hot Lesbian Others in the underwater hatch.

So yeah, a lot is going on.

When The Others show up, the plan almost works perfectly…almost. Sayid and Bernard hit their targets and blow two of the tents. But Jin misses, tries to run to closer to get a better shot, and is captured. Sayid and Bernard try to run and fight, but both end up surrendering.

The big survivor party sees that only two of the planned three explosions went off, and Kate wants to go back to the beach to help their captured friends, while Jack insists on pushing forward.

In the underwater hatch, Charlie tells his captors that the survivors are heading to the radio tower and that he is there to turn off their jamming signal. They radio Ben, who is surprised to hear them “break radio silence.” Apparently, the rest of The Others believed the two women were no longer on the island and that the underwater hatch was flooded and inoperable. Ben sends the eye-patch sporting Russian to the hatch to investigate, and decides to go to the survivors and “talk them out of” turning Rousseau’s distress call, and allows Alex, his daughter, to join him.

A shaken Sawyer, who is still upset after the events that went down in “The Brig” a few weeks ago, decides to go back to help Sayid, Bernard, and Jin, even though he is unarmed. Kate wants to go too, but he doesn’t want to bring her. Jack is worried about allowing him to go unarmed, but Juliet volunteers to join him and tells them that there is a hidden cache of guns that they can arm themselves with before they head back to the survivors’ camp…after Juliet kisses Jack passionately, raising more than a few eyebrows.

A distressed Kate doesn’t understand why Sawyer wouldn’t let her come and Jack explains that, duh, it’s because he’s trying to protect her. When Kate asks why Jack is sticking up for Sawyer, Jack tells her “because I love you,” in a matter of fact admission that Kate had to have known all along.

Poor Hurley, feeling left out and unsure of himself, asks if he can come along with Sawyer and Juliet. Sawyer tells him he’d be useless and get them killed, in an honest moment that cuts Hurley deeply but had to be said anyway. And oh yeah, Juliet admits that there is no gun cache…she only told Jack there was so he would let them go help their friends.

So the stage is set for three epic showdowns, none of which disappoint.

Ben meets up with Jack and the two of them have a little chat. Ben tells Jack that if he uses the Satellite Phone, the people he summons to the island will kill everyone. He tells him Naomi works for a group of people who have been trying to find the island, who will ruin it. Jack (with reason) thinks he’s bluffing, so Ben radios in to Tom, who is holding the three survivors at the beach hostage, and tells him to kill them if Jack doesn’t relent. Jack won’t budge and hears three gunshots, thinking that he’s doomed his friends to three bullets through their heads.

Meanwhile, Desmond wakes up in the boat above the underwater hatch, with a whopping headache and Charlie’s goodbye note to Claire in his pocket. Before he has time to think what to do next, Eye Patched Russian guy starts shooting at him, so he dives down and enter the underwater hatch. Charlie tells him to hide before his captors catch wind that he’s there, but then Eye-Patch shows up. Charlie informs him that Ben’s been jamming any radio signals to the mainland through the hatch, and Eye Patch decides to radio his boss to decide how to deal with it. Ben convinces him that he’s doing the right thing, and tells him to kill Charlie- and the two unsuspecting female Others.

Eye patch shoots the chicks, but before he turns the gun on Charlie, Desmond pops out and shoots him with a harpoon gun. One of the dying Others tells Charlie the code to stop the jamming signal- the Beach Boys’ “Good Vibrations” tapped into the keyboard (it was programmed by a musician, she says with her last breath.) So Charlie gets to have his big moment and turn off the jamming signal, which will finally get the survivors home. He taps the Beach Boys classic in the keyboard, the yellow light turns off, and a signal comes through…from Penny. An excited Charlie asks Penny about Naomi and the boat off the island, but she tells him that she doesn’t know anything about a boat…Naomi and her crew were not hired by Penny. Before Desmond can talk to his lost love, Charlie sees a terrible sight through a porthole…Eye Patch survived the harpoon through the stomach and is holding a grenade up to the hatch window.

Charlie locks himself in before Desmond can enter, the porthole blows, and water begins to rush in. Thinking quickly, Charlie scrawls a message on his hand and puts it up to the window, telling Desmond that it’s “not Penny’s boat.” Then he dies.

This is a “Lost” first…an original character and fan favorite is killed off. Yeah, they killed Shannon and Boone off…but nobody liked those characters anyway. Charlie’s death is hard to take, and Dominic Monaghan’s performance last night was the best he’s given in the series’ three year run. Charlie Pace, you will be missed.

Back on the beach, Sawyer and Juliet are trying to figure out how they’re going to take out the Others who have their friends at gunpoint…until Hurley zooms in, driving the Dharma VW bus into the action. Hurley! He hits one of the Others with the car, while Sawyer sneaks around and knocks one of them out with a branch. In the scramble, Sayid kills one of them with his legs, Jack Bauer style, and Sawyer takes Tom’s gun. When Tom surrenders, Sawyer still kills him, telling him “that’s for taking the kid.”

Hurley radios in and tells the survivors that they saved their friends and loved ones, a relief to Jack who believes he allowed them to die. At the same time, the jamming signal is off, and Jack and crew turn off Rousseau’s distress call.

We have cell phone reception, people. As Naomi tries to make the call with the satellite phone, she suddenly falls down dead.

Guess who? It’s none other than Mr. John Locke, who was summoned out of what would have been his grave by none other than Walt, or a figment of his imagination in the form of Walt, or the smoke monster in the form of Walt, who tells him “you’ve got work to do, John.”

Jack picks up the phone, and Locke points a gun at him, telling him he’s not supposed to make the call. Jack stands strong, telling him that “I’m done letting you keep us on this island.” Locke relents, unable to shoot Jack, and a desperate Ben yells out “you don’t know what you’re doing!” But the call is complete, and the man on the other end of the line tells him they are coming. And soon.

Cut to the last scene of the “flashforwards.” Jack meets up with someone at the airport…it’s Kate. A distressed Jack tells her that he’s been flying all the time with his “gold pass” that Oceanic gave him, hoping that the plane would crash and take him back to the island. He tells her that “we weren’t supposed to leave,” and that “we have to go back.” Kate leaves, saying she has to go back to “him” (Sawyer?) and leaves Jack to his misery.

WOAH.

So at least Jack and Kate got off the island, and presumably a lot of the survivors have. Charlie’s sacrifice has made it possible for the survivors to be rescued…but the people it’s not clear if the people on Naomi’s boat are the ones who will be doing the rescuing. And a haunted Jack clearly has decided that coming back to the real world was the wrong move…that Locke, and maybe even Ben, were right the whole time.

Mindblowing. The finale implied that “Lost” may be done with the flashbacks, and the “flashforwards” might just be the new way the show will tell its labyrinthine story. Which sounds amazing to me. I can’t wait to see where this baby goes next.

As always, the episode has raised a whole lot of new questions. Who was in the casket at the funeral that Jack attended? He said he was neither family nor friend of the deceased, and nobody else showed up. When he asked Kate why she didn’t come, all she said was “why would I?” So who was it? My money’s on Michael. He betrayed the survivors and murdered two of them, so why would they go to his funeral? But it always could be Ben, or even Locke. His bizarre behavior would imply that not many people like him much anymore. And if he had to leave the island, he might be inclined to kill himself. This would also explain Jack’s guilt and remorse for leaving the island.

And what about Jack talking about his father as if he’s alive in the future? Christian Shepherd is dead. How can Jack tell the hospital’s new chief of surgery to bring his father down and see if he’s drunker if he’s dead? And how can Jack try and get prescriptions for drugs from his father if he’s dead? Did Jack come home to another timeline where his father never died? Is he just delusional at the point that he asks about him?

What are they going to do about Ben? What is Locke going to do? And who the hell did Jack talk to on the phone…are they coming to rescue the survivors…or slaughter them?

Anyone who doubted the show, anyone who turned away from it, gave up on it…it’s time to come back. The show is better than it’s ever been on every level, and it’s time for you to come back to “Lost.” If you thought the show had lost it’s way, you’re wrong. Just get over your fanboy pride and get back on the “Lost” train.

Season 3 ended with a note perfect episode. It was exciting, funny, emotional, and satisfying on every level. Almost every story beat planted earlier in the season has paid off, including the seemingly stupid VW bus episode. The only thing that didn’t pay off was the “Jack’s Tattoo” episode…everything was working in their favor last night to the point that I thought it was going to be the key to killing the smoke monster. The confidence in the storytelling on the show at this point is astounding, and I can’t wait to see how they bring the show to a close over the next three seasons. I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up, but I really think they’re going to pull the whole thing off and actually have satisfying ending for loyal fans. If they can equal what they achieved last night, then “Lost” is going to go down as one of the all time great shows.

Nine months is a long time.

Lost Watch: HOLYSHITBALLSWTF

WOAHHOLYSHITBALLSWTFOHMYGODJESUSFUCKAREYOUKIDDINGOHSHITFUCKYEAH.

More tomorrow.

"Calvin and Hobbes" Is Awesome

Bill Watterson's "Calvin and Hobbes" is a masterpiece of an artform that has too few masterpieces (especially today...have you tried to read anything in the "funnys" section of your local paper lately?) The strip was a perfect distilation of childhood, had a wonderful art style of its own, and it was often laugh out loud funny. Its an American classic, and I'm a proud owner of the gorgeous collection "The Complete Calvin and Hobbes," which came out a year or so ago.

One thing that's always been admirable about Watterson is that he refused to sell out his creation. He could have licensed the shit out of "C+H," slapping the characters on T-Shirts, Lunch boxes, toys, stickers, and other junk. But Watterson refused- he wanted to keep the characters in their medium and felt that an image of Calvin on a T-shirt would strip him of his complexity as a character, something that happened with the hugely popular and totally unauthorized "Pissing Calvin" images that seem to be plastered to one out of every three semis you pass on highways. Sure Calvin is "mischevious." But he's also a sweet, funny, naiive kid with a big heart. Watterson, rightly, hated the "pissing Calvin" images.

I always respected Watterson's integrity, but have also been curious about what "Calvin and Hobbes" would look like animated. There was a rumor a couple years back that Watterson was going to make a film based on the strip, and that he was going to be in charge of the animaiton. The rumor may have been totally false, or the project may have just never gotten off the ground, but in any case it never happened. Which is why I'm so impressed by this video I'm posting below. An Italian animation student made it as a class project, and it's damn near perfect as far as the animation goes. The voice work is a bit odd, but everyone has their own idea of what Calvin should sound like in their heads...another good reason for Watterson not have gone ahead with the project. The guy knows what he's doing with his amazing creation. He did the strip for ten years, ended it perfectly, and never let it become an annoying product. He's an artist, and he was right to protect his creation.

That said, this is pretty damn cool, especially for a student project:

Lost Update: Y'All Everybody

Episode Title: Greatest Hits Air Date: 5/17/07

With next week’s final approaching quickly, there are lots of balls of story being juggled by the “Lost” writers right now, and it’s nice to see everything really clicking for the show again. “Lost” stumbled a bit early this season and some viewers walked away from the show, but hopefully they’ll come back to it when the DVDs come out this summer, because it’s been as good as (or better than) the first season for the last four or five weeks.

Last night’s Charlie-centric episode was no exception. Charlie has been kind of worthless for, oh, two season now, but last night reminded me of why I found the character likeable and appealing…and it was in no small part due to the resurrection of that stupid song from his former band, Drive Shaft. It’s so ridiculous, but I love “Y’All Everybody.” I want to see Oasis cover it for real at a show sometime…that would be boss.

With The Other approaching and the survivors preparing for their arrival, Juliet tells the group that Ben is jamming all communications from the island in an underwater hatch and someone must swim into a supposedly flooded room and turn it off.

Desmond has one of his flashes and tells Charlie that it’s time…he has to die if he want to help Claire and her baby get rescued. A stoic Charlie agrees to sacrifice himself for the good of the group. It’s all very “Poseidon Adventure” or “Armegeddon.” The flashbacks were actually effective and poignant last night, because they scenes of Charlie remembering the best moments of his life before he knowingly goes into a situation he won’t walk away from. It was a nice change of pace from repetitive character beats in the flashbacks, and served more of an emotional purpose than a storytelling one.

Meanwhile, Jack has a plan for The Others. He tells everyone that Juliet has been instructed to mark the tents with the pregnant women with white at night so The Other know which tents to invade. Jack plans on filling the marked tents with dynamite and then “blowing them all to hell” (his delivery of the final part of the plan was classic Matthew Fox over-dramatic acting. He could teach a master class.)

The group realizes they must also head into the woods and turn off Russoau’s distress signal, which might also interfere with communications from the outside world, and that turning off her signal, flipping off Bens’ jamming signal, and the “blowing them all to hell” must happen all at once. It’s like a video game challenge for the survivors.

When Alex’s traumatized boyfriend shows up at the beach to tell the survivors that The Others are coming sooner than they feared, the group realizes they don’t have enough materials to wire the dynamite. So Sayid has another plan (he always does.) Three people will hide in the woods and shoot the dynamite when The Others’ enter the tents. Like in the end of “Jaws.”

Bernard shows up after an unexplained thirty episode absence and volunteers to be one of the shooters, demonstrating his expert marksmanship that was never alluded to in a previous episode. Whatever, it’s nice to have he and the always hilarious Rose back. Where have they been for so long?

The episode ends with Charlie and Desmond taking the boat out to the underwater hatch. Demond offers to take Charlie’s place, but Charlie knocks him out to ensure that he does it himself. What did I say? Just like “Armageddon.” You know, JJ Abrams was one of the 500 writers on that movie, so it’s not a shock. Just sayin’.

Ready to die, Charlie takes the plunge and swims to the bottom, entering the hatch…and surfaces inside a decidedly non flooded room. An ecstatic Charlie celebrates not being dead- until two bad ass chicks run out brandishing guns. Uh-oh.

So we’ve got Charlie being held prisoner in an underwater hatch, Jack and co hiking out to turn off the distress signal, and Sayid, Bernard, and Jin waiting in the shadows for The Others to attack, all of it culminating in next week’s episode. Oh yeah, and we still don't know the fate of poor, shot in the back John Locke.

Anybody think the Jack's plan is going to go perfectly in next week's finale? If you said yes, I’ve got a mystery island in an unknown region of the world to sell to you.

Lost Watch: Ghosts in the Machine

So that’s why the still have the flashbacks.

After weeks of showing back-stories that don’t actually reveal any new information about the show’s main characters, this week’s “Lost” was a Ben Linus-centric episode, and it delivered, hard style.

The first thing we learn, right off the bat, is that Ben has been lying to everyone about being born on the island. He was born in Oregon (near where Juliet was flown to when she was first recruited…hmmmm) and his mother died in childbirth. The man who pulled over to help Ben’s panicked father ends up getting him a job on the island, working for the Dharma Initiative…as a “workman” (or janitor, which Ben’s daddy doesn’t take well at all.) The creepy little boy version of Ben sees his mother, or his mother’s ghost, or the black smoke monster posing as his mother, or whatever it is…and follows her out into the woods. Where he meets the slimy Other Richard, who looks like he is the exact same age as he is in the present- and this is supposed to be twenty something years earlier. Richard tells little Ben to be patient, and that he can join what The Dharma bums call “the hostiles” and we’ve been referring to as “The Others.” Cut to a few years later and Ben gets his chance, murdering his father while the rest of the hostiles murder the Dharma people, and then take over their little suburban town. So now we know how they came to live there, before Kate, Sayid, and company crashed the party.

The flashbacks were nice, but there’s no time like the present, and the new episode proved that rule to be very, very true. Locke shows up with his father’s dead body slung over his shoulder and demands answers. When Ben tells Locke that he’s not really the man in charge, that he takes orders from a man named Jacob, Locke demands that he take him to the real head cheese. Ben tries to weasel his way out of hit, but Locke has alpha maled his way into the hearts of the rest of The Others, so Ben agrees, to save face.

Meanwhile, back at the survivor’s camp, the crud is hitting the fan hard as Sawyer brings back the recording that Locke gave him that proves Juliet is still communicating with Ben. When everyone finds out about the injured parachutist, the group wants to know why nobody told Jack. An angry and intense (is there any other kind) Jack shows up and decides it’s time to talk. He admits he knew The Others were coming to take the survivor’s pregnant women folk. And that he was waiting to tell everyone until he had figured out what to do. Then, in super dramatic Jack fashion, he tells everyone “I guess we have a lot of catching up to do.” Thus setting up what might actually be an interesting Jack flashback season finale, and not, y’know, the boring story of how he got his tattoo while banging a weird Thai chick during a vision quest.

When Ben takes Locke to “Jacob’s” hidden cabin, there is nobody in the room. Ben begins to coverse with an empty chair, and for a minute I thought the writers were gonna go all Norman Bates with us and have Ben tell Locke “a boy’s best friend is his mother.” But then Locke hears a hoarse voice creak out “help me,” the room starts to move and vibrate, and Locke realizes, “crap, we might actually have a real ghost giving Ben orders.”

“Lost” easter egg fun fact…go through the scene where the cabin is going crazy to find a couple frames where you can see a man sitting in the previously empty chair.

After Locke’s creepy close encounter, Ben takes him to the pit where all the Dharma Scientists were gruesomely deposited after they were gassed by the hostiles. He tells Locke that he made a choice to join “the original natives of the island” (funny most of The Others seem pretty, I dunno, Caucasian, to be native Islanders) and that he was smart enough to do so and not “end up in that pit.” Then he tells Locke that’s what makes him smarter than him as well- and shoots him.

Ben asks the wounded Locke what Jacob said and tells him “I had to shoot you, because you could hear him.” Clearly, Locke is too powerful, or as everyone thinks he is, “special” to let Ben keep him alive. He’s a threat to his power.

So going into next week’s season finale, we have a new, huge mystery on our hands. A ghostly figure gives Ben all his orders? And Locke can hear him? I don’t wanna give anybody any spoilers, but I don’t think Locke will die. In fact, hopefully we’ll see him swoop in next week, Han Solo style, and save our survivors from the upcoming Other attack. And if Locke gets there in time, he’ll probably replace Ben as the one the Others look to. Once Ben’s is out of the way, maybe there will be more communication between the Hostiles/ Others and the survivors. Because no relationship can survive without communication. And then maybe we can go even deeper into the island’s mysteries.

With this week’s announcement that “Lost” has a set enddate (which means the writers can plan things out in advance and not stall their storytelling for fear that they won’t have enough material to make it into season nine or something awful like that,) this week’s amazing episode, and promises of a great season finale, “Lost” is on fire.

Happy Blog-iversary (To Me)

As of today, I've officially been writing this blog for a year. And by "writing this blog" I mean "occasionally updating it every few months or so (other than the Lost entries, which I'm also posting on the website I work for job anyway.")

So to anyone who has been looking at it for updates on my life, my take on movies, politics, or the like (and not just my redundant opinions on Lost,) I can only say that I'm sorry. And add that there are probably not many of you looking to this blog for that anway, but if there are any, I'm going to try and get back in the habit of blogging, and blogging about more diverse topics than "Lost." Besides, the season is ending next week. It's nice to be able to just sit down and indulge in writing whatever I want.

Besides, the summer movie season is upon us. And y'all know I'll be good for that. In fact, I feel a "Spiderman 3" review coming on.

Editors Note: I thought I made up the term "Blog-iversary." But it's already in the Urban Dictionary, and translates to "The yearly anniversary of someones web-log (blog)" Damn. One day I'll come up with a zeitgeisty buzz word!