The audio recording of Christian Bale's freakout on the set of "Terminator: Who Still Cares" has become one of those spiraling out of control internet moments, leading to mass conversations about Batman's emotional stability and the meaning of privacy for celebrities in our over mediated age, remixes and animated parodies hitting the interwebs within hours of its leak, and more hits on TMZ than on the release date of the latest Paris Hilton sex tape. It's a cultural moment that has gained such steam that none other than meta-comics Stephen Colbert and Steve Martin have crafted their own parody of the entire fiasco on a recent "Colbert Report." Hopefully we can now all move on to some other national discussion... (did you dudes know we have a new president?) Here's the video:
Showing posts with label Rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rant. Show all posts
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Friday, December 14, 2007
The Ikea in Burbank (Or Hell 2.0)
Patton Oswalt is a genius. The latest proof of this fact is a list he's written of the "5 Angriest Parking Lots in Los Angeles"
5. Bally's Gym & Fitness on El Centro
4. The Ross/7-11/various other stores at La Brea and Sunset
3. The entire Century City facility
2. The Starbucks at the corner of Overland and Washington
1. The Ikea in Burbank
This is a solid list, as any Angelino would note. But his pick for number one is pure genius.
The fucking Ikea in Burbank.
That place fills my heart and brain with a burning hate and rage that no quantity of puppies or ice cream could ever hope to cure.
My friend who lives in Burbank put it best when he said, in Instant Message poetry:
Kyle: parking AT ikea, or the parking FOR ikea?
the parking lot across from Ikea?
or the parking lot where you load your stuff from?
hmm, i guess I just answered the question
he probably means both
just from the sheer act of there even being both
Exactly.
That place is like the tenth circle of hell, a circle so shitty and depressing that Dante didn't include it in "The Inferno" because he didn't want to bum out his readers. And that's a book where people are buried in excrement just because they were "flatterers."
The steps for parking at the Burbank Ikea are as follows:
1: Find parking in a stupid, usually filled lot across from the Ikea.
2: Go through the annoying process of fighting your way through Ikea and buying your shit (an activity infuriating enough that it warrants its own post)
3: Have a friend or loved one who accompanied you on your odyssey wait with your shit right outside the Ikea.
3.5: Failing that, if you have no friends who like you enough to go to Ikea with you (don't feel bad if they say no; they'd better like you a whole fucking lot, considering that you're asking them to go to the fucking Ikea in Burbank) leave your giant boxes of crappy furniture with cutesy Swedish names outside the store unaccompanied and pray it isn't stolen as you...
4: Run back to your parked car, fight your way out of the overfilled, tiny parking lot.
5: Turn right out of the parking lot (because there is no left turn,) then drive to the end of the street, and either turn left or make an illegal U-Turn because you're not allowed to turn into the fucking Ikea lot when you exit the parking lot.
6: Park in the temporary lot in front of the Ikea and load your heavy yet cheap furniture. (It's cheap for a reason and will probably last you no more than a year. This is why the man who own Ikea is the richest person in the world...he's made his money off the backs of all those poor college students who don't have the cash to buy something a little more expensive that will last them for much more time in the long run.)
7: Go home.
8: Drink.
And oh yeah, it's somehow always raining when you travel to the Ikea in Burbank. It never rains in LA...unless you have to go to the fucking Ikea in Burbank.
Fuck you, Ikea in Burbank. Fuck you.
5. Bally's Gym & Fitness on El Centro
4. The Ross/7-11/various other stores at La Brea and Sunset
3. The entire Century City facility
2. The Starbucks at the corner of Overland and Washington
1. The Ikea in Burbank
This is a solid list, as any Angelino would note. But his pick for number one is pure genius.
The fucking Ikea in Burbank.
That place fills my heart and brain with a burning hate and rage that no quantity of puppies or ice cream could ever hope to cure.
My friend who lives in Burbank put it best when he said, in Instant Message poetry:
Kyle: parking AT ikea, or the parking FOR ikea?
the parking lot across from Ikea?
or the parking lot where you load your stuff from?
hmm, i guess I just answered the question
he probably means both
just from the sheer act of there even being both
Exactly.
That place is like the tenth circle of hell, a circle so shitty and depressing that Dante didn't include it in "The Inferno" because he didn't want to bum out his readers. And that's a book where people are buried in excrement just because they were "flatterers."
The steps for parking at the Burbank Ikea are as follows:
1: Find parking in a stupid, usually filled lot across from the Ikea.
2: Go through the annoying process of fighting your way through Ikea and buying your shit (an activity infuriating enough that it warrants its own post)
3: Have a friend or loved one who accompanied you on your odyssey wait with your shit right outside the Ikea.
3.5: Failing that, if you have no friends who like you enough to go to Ikea with you (don't feel bad if they say no; they'd better like you a whole fucking lot, considering that you're asking them to go to the fucking Ikea in Burbank) leave your giant boxes of crappy furniture with cutesy Swedish names outside the store unaccompanied and pray it isn't stolen as you...
4: Run back to your parked car, fight your way out of the overfilled, tiny parking lot.
5: Turn right out of the parking lot (because there is no left turn,) then drive to the end of the street, and either turn left or make an illegal U-Turn because you're not allowed to turn into the fucking Ikea lot when you exit the parking lot.
6: Park in the temporary lot in front of the Ikea and load your heavy yet cheap furniture. (It's cheap for a reason and will probably last you no more than a year. This is why the man who own Ikea is the richest person in the world...he's made his money off the backs of all those poor college students who don't have the cash to buy something a little more expensive that will last them for much more time in the long run.)
7: Go home.
8: Drink.
And oh yeah, it's somehow always raining when you travel to the Ikea in Burbank. It never rains in LA...unless you have to go to the fucking Ikea in Burbank.
Fuck you, Ikea in Burbank. Fuck you.
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