Lost Watch: Jacked

Episode Title: Something Nice Back Home
Air Date: May 1, 2008

It seems like it's been awhile since the masterminds behind "Lost" gave us an episode about how Jack is a control freak martyr more obsessed with helping others than helping himself who is totally incapable of happiness... but they corrected that mistake last night with the latest episode. I was beginning to forget all that, what with all the amazing character reveals about Benjamin and mind blowing plot twists that have advanced the story in amazing new ways in the last few weeks.

Alright, I'll stop complaining and try to think of "Something Nice Back Home" as a moment for all of us fans to catch our breath after the roller coaster Ben To The Future episode from last week.

Jack gets sick and, just like Jack, tries to pretend everything is fine. When Juliet presses him, she discovers he needs an emergency procedure to have his appendix removed. Jack, being a stubborn control freak, insists on staying awake for the surgery, and wants Kate to sit in on the procedure and hold up a mirror... to make sure that Juliet is performing the procedure right. But even Jack can't take it, and they put him under and make Kate leave. Jack, unsurprisingly, survives.

The most intriguing part of the on island drama, which feels like the kind of conflict that would have happened early in the show's run, before they got so deep into the mythology, was when Rose tells Bernard she's worried about the reason that Jack got sick... because, as she says (and knows from personal experience,) people get better on the island, not sicker. Has Jack "angered the gods" as Bernard puts it? Or is the island pissed at him for trying to get the survivors off of it? Also worth noting are the scenes between Jin and Sun and freighter people Charlotte and Daniel. Jin realizes that Charlotte can speak Korean after he sees her listening to them, and he tells her that she must get Sun off the island when the helicopter comes back... or he will hurt her friend Daniel, who she clearly has feelings for (despite his weirdo crazy scientist nature.)

The more interesting part of the episode was the flash forwards, where we learn that Jack and Kate are living together... and seem to be deeply in love (and doing it a lot, heh heh.) The flash forward even starts with Jack reading to little Aaron... from "Alice in Wonderland," no less. But Jack and Kate's seeming domestic bliss can't last for long, because, let's face it, it's Jack Shepherd and Kate Austen we're talking about here. Besides the flash forwards clearly take place between Kate's trial episode, when she insisted that he has to be able to deal with baby Aaron if he wants to be with her, and the first flash forward episode featuring crazy, unconvincing beard sporting, pill popping Jack. Last night's episode begins to show how well adjusted post island Jack became that out of his mind Jack.

Jack visits Hurley in the mental institution, who tells him that Charlie visits him often... and that he has a message for Jack, that "you're not supposed to raise him." Hurley's spooky warning is an echo from the creepy psychic who gave Claire the same warning in season one, that only she can raise her baby, and proves the writers are finally starting to tie every little story string together. Even though he tells Hurley to take his meds, Jack is clearly shaken by Hurley's words... and his warning, that "someone is going to visit you soon."

Jack proposes to Kate, and she accepts, but we know that's not gonna last... he still has yet to become crazy bearded Jack who hangs out at the airport and flies around the world on Oceanic planes "hoping they will crash." He starts to become suspicious of her when he overhears her on a phone call and she seems to be lying about who she was talking to.

Jack really starts to lose it when Hurley's promise about a visitor comes true... when Jack sees his dad in the hospital waiting room. Jack, afraid that he is truly losing his mind, asks a fellow doctor to write him a prescription for anti-depression meds... and so Dr. Jack Shepherd's love affair with pills begins.

After much badgering, Kate admits she was fulfilling a promise to Sawyer, which obviously pisses the good doctor off, and leads to the end of their domestic bliss... and the beginning of Jack's new found fondness for alcoholic beverages. The nasty breakup fight ends with Kate telling Jack she doesn't want him around "her son," which Jack angrily responds to by saying "your son? He's not even related to you!" So obviously Jack has figured out that Claire was his sister... making Jack Aaron's uncle, which explains a lot why he was so hesitant to accept him in order to be with the woman he loves.

And what of our Claire-Bear? In the episodes "B" story (or "C" story, depending on if you count the on island and flash forward stuff as "A" and "B" stories... I'm going to stop being a screenwriting structure nerd and move on....) Sawyer, Ghostbuster Miles, and Claire carrying baby Aaron are heading back to the beach after deserting team Locke. Not much happens to them on their little journey... Sawyer protectively tells Miles to stay away from Claire, and they hide in the bushes when the mercenaries who attacked Ben in last week's episode walk by. But the episode ends with some juicy Claire stuff... her father (and Jack's father, let's not forget, who is supposed to be dead, let's not forget that either,) shows up in the middle of the night. In the morning, Sawyer wakes to discover Claire and Aaron are gone... and Miles tells him that "they wandered off into the jungle" When Sawyer asks why he let her go off in the jungle alone, Miles tells him they weren't alone... that she was with someone she called "dad." Sawyer runs to the sound of a crying baby... and discovers an abandoned Aaron sitting under a tree.

Claire seems pretty much gone with the wind at this point, and her mysterious disappearance will probably not be resolved by the time the Oceanic 6 leave the island, seeing as her baby leaves and she doesn't.

So, we're left with an episode that is a bit slower, and a bit heavier on character development than it is on plot and story (though there is plenty of good set up stuff.) Maybe we didn't need another Jack episode, but it was interesting to see Jack and Kate finally make a go of it as a couple... and to see them predictably fail at it. And from the promos for next week's episode, it looks like we're finally really going to get to meet Jacob, the one guy Ben claims he takes orders from, so there's really no reason to worry about the state of "Lost." Though I probably don't need any more reminders that Jack is a control freak martyr more obsessed with helping others than helping himself who is totally incapable of happiness. I think that base is well covered at this point.

Lost Watch: Unleashing The Proverbial Beast

Episode Title: The Shape of Things to Come
Air Date: April 24, 2008

Wow.

Seriously, wow.

Last night's episode of "Lost" was mother effing epic.

I'm going to split the three different parts of last night's out of this world episode, because damn, a lot happened. A friendly game of Risk (in which Hurley cryptically tells Sawyer and Locke that "Australia is the key to the game,") is interrupted when Charles Widmore's mercenaries attack Locke's camp in an attempt to bring Ben in. Sawyer runs to rescue a sleeping Claire from one of the houses, running into a group of non featured characters... who all get picked off one by one. Note to any characters who want to survive on "Lost..." if you have a speaking role, your odds of survival are much better.

The mercenaries reveal that they are holding Ben's daughter hostage, and threaten to kill her if he doesn't come out. Talking to the lead mercenary over a radio, Ben told him he wouldn't come out, confident that they were bluffing and would never shoot his daughter.

Then they shoot his daughter.

A stunned and hurt Ben uses the last bit of defense he can on the surrounding assault team.

He calls out the smoke monster.

Let me repeat that: Ben calls out the smoke monster.

Seriously, ol' smokey is apparently like an attack dog that Ben can use whenever he feels like it. Which means he lied about not knowing anything about it when Locke asked him.

After smokey takes out the mercenaries- because guns are very ineffective against a monster made of smoke, Ben stops to "say goodbye to his daughter."

Locke's team runs into the woods, where they hope to find Jacob's creepy ghost cabin. After all the insanity, Sawyer decides he's finally had enough of Locke's crazy man shenanigans and decides to head back to Jack's camp with Claire, Aaron, and Hurley. But Benjamin and Locke won't let Hurley go... because he is the only one who can find Jacob's cabin. Hurley mans up and says he will stay with Locke and Ben to avoid anymore bloodshed, and Sawyer touchingly promises to kill Locke if he hurts even one of Hurley's curly hairs. And Locke's response, after a bit of a beat, is priceless... he looks Sawyer in the eye and says "fair enough."

Back on the beach with Jack's crew, things get tense when a body washes ashore on the beach. It turns out to be the doctor from the freighter, whose throat has been slashed (clearly he didn't heed his own warning about "not pissing the captain off.") Jack wants an explanation and gets Daniel to use the broken satellite phone to transmit a signal to the ship in morse code... and then Daniel tries to lie about the freighter's mysterious response. Unfortunately for Daniel, old Bernard knows morse code and calls him on the lie. When Jack asks if the freighter crew ever had any intentions of bringing the survivors back from the island, a freaked out Daniel admits that they never did plan on rescuing them, giving legitimacy to Ben's claims that the crew plans on slaughtering everyone on the island once they have Ben in their possession.

Oh, and Jack is getting sick... which is clearly going to lead to an episode where somebody who isn't a doctor must operate on the doctor. This kind of story turn seems a bit lame, considering all the game altering twists and turns in the last episode, but hopefully the writing team is going somewhere with the subplot.

Anyway, on to the last but certainly not least of the three parts of the episode... Ben's flash forward. The first time we see him, Ben is waking up in the middle of the Sahara Desert, where he quickly kills two men on horseback who discover him. He heads into town and checks into a hotel (where he is a preferred customer who travels under an alias,) and asks the desk clerk the date... and needs to confirm the year.

So somehow Ben got off the island and ended up right smack in the middle of the desert... but is unsure of the year. More time travel stuff, it looks like.

Ben arrives just in time to show up at a funeral... for Sayid's dead wife. Turns out Sayid finally found the woman he had been searching for before he crash landed on mystery island, married her, and less than a year later, had to bury her. She was murdered, and Benjamin claims he is at the funeral to find the assassin who killed his wife. He shows him a picture of a man who was seen driving away right after Sayid's wife was murdered in Los Angeles... at the corner of La Brea and Santa Monica, which is just three blocks from where she was killed. And also my exact neighborhood, which is spooky/ awesome.

Ben tells Sayid that he got off the island using "Desmond's boat." Now, waking up in the middle of the desert probably implies that he didn't use a boat... but Desmond may have something to do with it, since it seems like Ben might have jumped through time somehow.

Sayid, angry and mournful, helps Ben track down and kill the assassin... then asks Ben who is "next" on his list. Ben tries to talk Sayid out of helping him, telling him it's "not his war," but Sayid insists, telling him he has nothing to live for other than avenging his wife's murder. Benjamin finally relents, but when walks away from Sayid, he smiles his evil Ben smile. And we witness how another one of our poor islanders is manipulated by Ben Linus.

At the end of the flash forward, Ben sneaks into Charles Widmore's hotel suite, where the two men finally confront eachother face to face. Ben tells Widmore that he "changed the rules" when his men murdered Alex. Widmore tells Ben that "everything you have you took from me," implying that Widmore was probably behind the Dharma Initiative work that Ben disrupted... by murdering anyone who worked for them. When Widmore asks Ben if he's going to kill him, Ben tells him that "both you and I know that I can't do that." Ben then promises to hunt down Widmore's daughter and kill her as revenge... that's right, Benjamin Linus has a personal vendetta against Desmond's true love, Penny. Widmore tells Ben that he'll never find Penny, while Ben tell Widmore he'll never find the island... and the game is on.

So why can't Ben kill Widmore? What are these "rules" Ben speaks of that Widmore broke? How far back does their association go? How the hell DID Ben get off the island? And just where does one buy food for your pet giant smoke monster anyway?

This was an episode where the patience of "Lost" fans really paid off, as mind blowing reveal after mind blowing reveal added up, all of them building to what promises to be an absolutely explosive finale where more than one of our favorite islanders will probably not make it. It was a fast paced hour with tons of new information that left fans with even more intriguing questions than ever, and most excitingly, it really did hint at the shape of things to come for the show now that the writers have the freedom of knowing just how long the show will go on and that they have an idea of where their endpoint is... we're gonna get more and more answers as the show goes on. Which will lead to more and more questions.

Hockey PS: They Did It!

I know, I know... three posts in one day, completely without precedent. But I just had to add this mini-update after my earlier hockey blog... my boys pulled it off! The San Jose Sharks won 5-3 tonight against the Calgary Flames in a Game Seven elimination contest, advancing to the second round of the playoffs, where they will face a very good Dallas Stars team.

And they did it on the back of 38 year old veteran JEREMY ROENICK, who scored 2 goals and had 2 assists. The future hall of famer came out of "semi-retirement" to sign with San Jose for one reason only... he's never won a Stanley Cup. He joined the team looking to win a championship, and his veteran play, leadership skills, heart, intensity, and sheer will to win helped the team make their amazing playoff push at the end of the season... and led them to the big victory tonight, a game in which the Sharks scored four straight goals in the second period.

The series against the Flames, seventh seeded underdogs, looked dicey for a little while... but the Sharks pulled it out. Now all they have to do is beat some really good teams.


GO SHARKS!

The Loneliness Of The Lone Hockey Fan, Who Is All Alone

First of all, I know what you're thinking: two posts in one day! My god, this is not the lazy and unproductive Frustrated Dinosaur we've grown to love, (or at least tolerate.) But like I said, it's a whole new ball game. Or Ice Hockey game.

Did you enjoy that super clunky segue? I hope you did, because this post is gonna be all about hockey. My beloved San Jose Sharks are on the brink of advancement or elimination as they face an irritatingly scrappy Calgary Flames team in game seven of the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs. If they lose, they go home after just one round in the playoffs, which would be more than a little disappointing as the Sharks, who have never won a Stanley Cup (or even played in the finals in the franchise's history,) spent the two last months of the regular season looking nearly unbeatable, going 20 games in a row without a regulation defeat, and overtaking the defending champion (and San Jose's rivals) Anaheim Ducks to win the Pacific Division. They've got one of the most talented teams in the league, with master puck handler and long time assist leader Joe Thornton leading the offense and Vezina award finalist Evgeni Nabokov providing a lot of heart between the goal posts, finishing the season as the goalie with the most wins in the league.

But regular season heroics become moot once the playoffs start, as playoff hockey features some of the most exciting and dramatic play in the entire world of sports.

Too bad nobody really cares about hockey in the USA.

It's becoming harder and harder to list hockey as a "major" sport alongside NFL Footbal, NBA Basketball, and MLB Baseball. I mean, Arena Football sometimes seems like it's creeping up on hockey in the ratings... if you can even find a hockey game on television. NHL games are no longer featured on ESPN, and most of the playoffs have been regulated to the sad and dismal Vs. Network, which airs bull riding and fishing competitions when there are no hockey games to show. Come to think of it, ESPN also shows fishing competitions every once in awhile. But not hockey. Neither does ESPN 2, the network that invented the X-Games, and it's a sad day in the world when street luge gets bigger ratings than an exciting, fast paced sport with as long and storied a history as any of the other "major sports."

Being a hockey fan is a lonely proposition. Sometimes I head out to sport's bars in hopes of catching a game, and have to ask a waitress to flip the game on instead of a Spring Training baseball game or coverage of the NFL draft. As much as I love football, and talking about football, I'd rather watch an actual hockey game than people talking about who might be drafted to eventually play in a football game.

It's a shameful feeling to watch the game on the bar as the rest of the patrons shake their head, wishing the bartender would switch on televised poker. Or fishing competitions. Or golf. I mean really, who can watch golf?

But what can I do? I can't fight being a hockey fan. I was born that way. You think I wouldn't rather follow basketball or baseball instead of hockey? You think I don't wish I could actually watch critically important games on television instead of being forced to listen to them over tinny, streaming internet radio broadcasts like some sort of resistance fighter hiding a bootleg radio from the SS as I huddle at my desk and pray for good news?

Standing up and admitting to the world that "yes, I am a hockey fan!" is to become an outsider in sports world. Nobody understands why you would ever want to discuss guys named Nabokov or Ovechkin when you could talk about Kobe and A-Rod instead. People don't understand why you are desperate to see the score in a hockey game, which often ends in 1-0 finals, when you can watch the Lakers score 120 points in one game (though nobody seems to complain when baseball games end with final scores of 2-1 after 22 innings...it's the "national pastime," after all.)

People don't understand the game. They can't follow the puck, that elusive tiny black disc that moves too fast for the cameramen to keep up with most of the time. And they're not wrong... hockey is probably the sport that translates the worst to television. Plus, the Canadian play by play announcers are much too polite to get Americans excited about the game, even though it's legal (and considered a sound defensive play) to slam another guy headfirst into glass boards and more fights break out than goals are scored.

But if you go to a game as a hockey fan, then you are finally truly with your people. People who share your obsession, your urge to watch a sport that mainstream America doesn't understand. Once you go to a hockey game, you will finally get hockey. You'll understand the intensity, the speed, the excitement, the bone crunching hits. And the fights, which hockey fans encourage with loud cheers. This is a sport played by athletes who play harder and with more heart than the overpaid whiners in more popular sports who complain if they don't think the media is paying enough attention to them. This is probably because superstar players in other sports are paid higher salaries than entire NHL team rosters. These guys are not playing for fame or millions... they are playing because they want to win a Stanley Cup, the most coveted and historical trophy in professional sports.

And if you go to a Sharks game, you'll get to see players skate out of a giant, smoking shark mouth with flashing, light up red eyes. Which is fucking awesome.

Go Sharks!

Forgetting The First Quarter Of 2008

Though it's not as good as his best movies, at least in this moment of my life, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" is the most personally relatable of Judd Apatow's recent outrageous comedies with heart about slacker man boys growing up. Though it doesn't have as brilliant a leading man as "The 40 Year Old Virgin," it's less coherent overall than "Knocked Up," and not nearly as funny as "Superbad," it's by far the one that that I, as a sensitive, Jason Segal-type Jewish nerd (who would be proud to be the creator of a Dracula puppet musical,) can relate to the most out of his recent hits. I mean, I haven't gotten anybody pregnant, didn't have crazy "American Grafitti" like adventures when I graduated high school, and didn't have to wait to lose my virginity until I turn 40, thank you very much, but I have been dumped. Very recently, in fact.

In my post a few days ago, I made reference to circumstances which "led to a long period of self pity and despair." To keep all of you loyal readers out there who have been wondering and worrying about said circumstances, I will lift the shroud of mystery for all those readers who don't know me (there might be one or two!) and reveal the inner secrets of my painful and tortured 2008.

Basically, as I implied in the opening paragraph which I so gracelessly wrote to try and make this post relevant to the current pop culture zeitgeist, I got dumped.

It's not the first time I've been dumped, nor will it be the last time. But this dumping has been particularly brutal due to a few factors:

1.) My ex girlfriend and I just moved into a new, awesome West Hollywood apartment right before she dumped my ass, an apartment complete with a backyard and a "cute" front patio. The place is a comfortable walking distance from everything a Los Angelino could need, from grocery stores to movie theaters to barber shops to hip bars to various ethnic eateries. You can even walk to Amoeba in less than twenty minutes from the place. What else could you ask for?
Oh yeah, you could ask for a washer/ dryer in the apartment, ridding yourself of the need to horde quarters and stake out your building's laundry machines like a rabid animal. Yeah, this place has that too.

2.) We just got a dog, and one with major abandonment issues and more neurosis than Woody Allen (making him the perfect pet for myself, by the way.) The poor dog probably didn't think he was going to become a child of divorce so quickly, but that's the society we live in today.

3.) We were less than two weeks shy of our 3 year anniversary, which happens to fall on the same weekend as Valentine's day. It totally ruined that movie "Jumper" for me. (Kidding, I didn't see "Jumper." But I did, despite my very acute fantasy movie fatigue, nearly buy a ticket to see "The Spiderwick Chronicles" that weekend, simply because the Indiana Jones trailer premiered with that movie.)

4.) The dumping came just a few weeks after my job writing for the internet for compensation ended (which is why I write for the internet for free these days.) Obviously, this is not her fault, but being unemployed and dumped at the same time is a nice recipe to make you feel utterly worthless.

I don't write all this personal information on this blog, which I normally use as a forum to discuss, debate, and generally overanalyze pop culture ephemera, to try to arouse your sympathy, vilify my ex (she made a decision she felt she needed to make in her life and I can't begrudge her that,) or to reveal to the world that I am becoming a eye shadow wearing, Fall Out Boy listening emo douche. I am not going to start using this blog to whine and complain, or start using this as a forum to tell the world my "mood" at the top of each blog, complete with an appropriate emoticon and a description of what sad music I am "currently listening" to to help illustrate my deep sadness to the world, even though the world will never understand my pain, boo hoo.

No, I revealed this information to you to publicly acknowledge and explain why I've been less than productive in my writing, both on my blog and in general, since 2008 started. It's because the double whammy of being laid off and dumped at the beginning of a new year kind of kicked my ass for awhile, and did lead to more than a little bit of moping around and wearing pajama bottoms until midday. (In my defense, I had cool, and very comfortable, Jack Daniels pajama bottoms. But they recently ripped and became unwearable, which I suppose is metaphor or sign for something somehow.)

And the main reason I'm writing this blog is to officially make a vow for all the world to see: I'm going to start turning this year around, from this moment on. I've got balls rolling on multiple writing projects that I'm very excited about and a few promising job prospects finally popping up. So, as a good (and nerdy) screenwriter, I'm going to consider the last few months of my life the "second act break" of this particular storyline, which is always the low point for the hero of any screen story. We folks who are "in the biz" (or, more accurately, hope to one day be "in the biz,") call it the "all is lost" moment, when the chips are all down for the main character, when everything looks totally bleak, when... well, all is lost. And like any good, interesting, and active hero, it's up to me to write an ending to this story where I turn around all my misfortune, write a kick ass screenplay, get an agent and studio deal, and, because living well really is the best revenge, start dating either Mila Kunis or Kristen Bell (I had to tie it all back in to "Sarah Marshall" somehow, didn't I?)

So, yes, you may have won round one, 2008. But now it's my turn.

And I plan on making the rest of this year my bitch.

Ring a Ding Ding: Eight Reasons I Heart Las Vegas

Anyone who knows me knows that I have an unhealthy obsession with Las Vegas. Being a movie nerd who has a blog called "The Frustrated Dinosaur," you might not think of me as the Rat Pack, Sin City type... but man, do I love that ridiculous town. After reading the interesting (though cruddily written) nonfiction book "Winner Takes All: Steve Wynn, Kirk Kerkorian, Gary Loveman, and the Race to Own Las Vegas," I decided to finally start writing the Vegas screenplay I always knew I had in me (and besides, it will give me a reason to do some "research trips" to Sin City.) It also made me think about why, exactly, do I love such a willfully stupid place. So here is my list of reasons that I love Vegas so much.

I'M AN OVERGROWN KID AT HEART:
and Vegas appeals directly to that type of person. In the early to mid-nineties, a bunch of the new resorts being built on the strip were designed for "family fun." Quickly casino builders realized a pretty obvious point... Vegas is not really the best place for the little ones, and the pirate themed "Treasure Island," featuring an action packed stunt show starring swashbuckling buccaneers became "TI," featuring a similar stunt show with scantily clad babes. But the "Disneyification" of Vegas was still happening, and the Casino moguls realized they should just keep building mega casinos that appealed to the 21 and over set. This is how Vegas became Disneyland for adults... and man, do I love Disneyland. I've always dreamt of becoming an Imagineer, and Vegas has kinda turned into an extension of that Fantasyland for grown ups (though the rides are not nearly as good as Disney's.) The town is filled with overdesigned fakery, which leads me to...

I REALLY LOVE OVERDESIGNED FAKERY:
I don't really know why, but I just do. I love being on movie sets and backlots, I love (as I said) Disneyland and other theme parks that are something more than just groups of roller coasters thrown together, and I love the huge and stupid Vegas mega casinos. I've never been to Paris or Venice, and I'm pretty sure they're much nicer than Paris Las Vegas or The Venetian (though the rooms in the Venetian are super nice,) but I get a kick out of the way the designers try to place you in these different, fantasy locations... even though everything around you is clearly fake and pales in comparison to the real thing. I can't really explain it, but I really enjoy that artifice, that attempt to immerse you in a fantasy world, in a living story. It's what Disney does best, but Vegas does pretty damn well themselves.

YOU GET TO PRETEND YOU'RE SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT AND DO THINGS YOU WOULDN'T DO IN ANY OTHER TOWN:
I actually look pretty good (and always feel pretty great,) in a tux, and I think I mostly pull it off because I get to live my Frank Sinatra/ Rat Pack dreams when I wear one, and going to Vegas indulges the same fantasy. I get to imagine I'm part of the Rat Pack as I stride down the strip, I get to pretend I'm a way cooler high roller than I really am when I sit down at a Roulette table as a cocktail waitress brings me a free drink. The genius marketers who came out with the "What Happens in Vegas Stays In Vegas" slogan hit it right on the head... it's one of the most honest marketing phrases in history. The town encourages you to cut loose and indulge in vices you would never have imagined yourself doing in the past. Wanna go to a strip club even though you're not a "strip club guy?" Go for it, you're in Vegas! Your regular rules don't apply. And hey, why not, put down forty on black... normally you're uptight with money, but just let it ride. You might win, and if you don't, shrug it off... you're in Sin City, you're supposed to go home with lighter pockets.

YOU CAN WALK ON THE STREET WITH OPEN CONTAINERS OF LIQUOR:
This is not a small perk... this is truly awesome. Because in most cities, laws against walking around with open containers are perfectly reasonable and logical. They keep drunken fools from stumbling at sober citizens who don't want do deal with them... but in Vegas, we're ALL drunken fools. Plus, it's really fun to carry your drink with you casino to casino. Helps you feel like one of those Gin swilling Rat Packers (man, could those guys drink at a truly legendary level.)

SLEAZE IS IN THE TOWN'S DNA:
No matter how expensive Steve Wynn's new mega resorts are, no matter how classy they try to market themselves as, there will always be sleaze in Vegas... this is a town built by mobsters and gambling, a town where prostitution is practically legal, and where you can, well drink open containers of liquor on the streets. As you approach a 2.7 billion dollar casino meant to evoke class and beauty, you pass obnoxious dudes slapping together cards with phone numbers of escort girls in your face. Sure it's obnoxious, but it's Vegas! The old, smoky casinos, many of which have been imploded to make way for big new ones, will never totally go away, and who doesn't love a little old fashioned sleaze, every once in awhile? You don't really get Vegas until you sit down in one of the older Casinos when it's nearing five in the morning, talk to the old bartender serving you cheap Jack and Cokes about how long he's lived there, and observe compulsive gamblers waiting desperately for one of their slot machines they've been pumping full of money for hours to pay out as forty year old cocktail waitresses wearing ill fitting uniforms designed for much younger women keep bringing them watered down free cocktails. Sure, that might sound sad to you... but it's part of the weirdness, part of what makes it Vegas. It always will be, no matter how grand The Wynn, The Bellaggio, or the new planned City Center are. And I love that crazy contradiction.

BUFFET!:
Though Vegas's reputation as a town for discerning foodies has grown in the last fifteen years, with world famous celebrity chefs opening five star restaurants in the mega-casinos, no Vegas trip is complete without a trip to one of the town's signature culinary attractions... the buffet! Keeping in theme with the town's entire aura of excess, it's always a blast to gorge yourself by going down the line and stacking your plate with various foods that shouldn't usually be eaten in the same meal, whether it be at The Wynn's super fancy and delicious buffet ($34 per person,) or at a cheaper $5.95 buffet that includes stomach problems with the low price. You might be on a diet, but indulge yourself while you're in Vegas. You won't regret it (except for the stomach thing. That you might regret.) Added bonus, on Sunday Brunch buffets... free crappy Mimosas!

THE SHEER DIVERSITY OF ENTERTAINMENT OPTIONS:
You've gotta catch at least one show while you're in town, right? You can check out world class entertainers like Elton John or Jerry Seinfeld or one of the 57 different Cirque Du Soleil shows playing on the strip. But if French Candian gymnasts with $150 ticket prices aren't your bag, there are a whole lot of options for fun Las Vegas discount shows. From Vegas's resident Neil Diamond impersonator, the one who the real Mr. Diamond has said is his favorite in the world, to cheesy magic shows, Vegas has everything. The strip even features a topless vampire show called "Bite," and any town with the balls to open a topless vampire review show called "Bite" is worth visiting in my book.

IT'S JUST SO DAMN BIG, LOUD, AND STUPID:
Almost defiantly, Vegas is tasteless, crude, stupid, and over the top. Basically, it's a pretty good metaphor for America. Maybe you'll say it's a metaphor for what's wrong with America... the super commercialized, loud, and stupid parts of American culture that French snobs in the real Paris (not the gaudy recreation in Vegas) love to turn their noses at. But let's not forget, those people idolize Jerry Lewis. Vegas is all about fun and play, and it is stupid... but why overanalyze or criticize it when you can walk down the street from fake New York to fake Rome, pass a show featuring Prince and Michael Jackson impersonators on the street, drink cheap beer at a dolphin habitat, or order Chicken Wings while lounging by the side of a pool? Even the the progressive minded and glittery new CityCenter complex, with its green friendly hotels and emphasis on natural light over the traditional casino strategy of using ugly flourecents to confuse gamblers about the time of day, also happens to be the most expensive privately funded construction project in the history of the country and ended up kind of looking like a large airport. Vegas is big and stupid, and I love it for that.

Also, you can totally drink on the streets! Did I mention that already?

There Will Be Blog

Earlier this year, when my unemployment checks first started rolling in after the wonderful Broadcaster website went belly up (completely unexpectedly, I assure you. I mean, who woulda thunk that not innovating at all in the world of new media would have led to not making money or gaining a user base?,) I decided to spend my mornings jogging and blogging, in hopes of exercising my brain and real muscles. Circumstances intervened that led to a long period of self pity and despair (which I may get to in a future posting,) and led to me starting each day no earlier than 11 o'clock in the morning, with the sad thought that "at least it's still the morning."

So I've decided to shake off the cobwebs that gather on my blog-space when there are no new "Lost" episodes to write about, and to begin working my brain muscles again (and hopefully my real ones as well... I'm gonna get back on that jogging routine...I swear,) by writing new blog entries at a fairly frequent rate. In that last sentence, I considered promising that I'd start writing entries every day, but who am I kidding, right?

I'm hoping that a new blogging routine will help discipline my brain in preparation for the creation of more substantial writings, writings that I hope are more lucrative than this lone and poorly attended blog (though if I sign up for Google Ad Sense, I might be able to collect a few cents a month!)

So, for any of you out there who consider yourselves friends of this blog, look back at a more regular rate than you have in the past. Understandably, I'm sure your routine at this juncture, if you've ever cared enough to do so, was to maybe once a month curiously navigate your web based browser over to www.frustrateddinosaur@blogspot.com and grumble to yourself "I wonder if that lazy asshole has updated lately?"

Well, now the answer will be, at least a bit more frequently, "why, yes, this lazy asshole has indeed updated lately."

More to come soon. It's a brave new blog.

Lost Watch: He's Baaaaack!

Episode Title: Meet Kevin Johnson
Air Date: March 20, 2008

So, Michael's back.

Most of last night's episode was a flashback of what everyone's favorite murderer/ artist/ dedicated dad has been up to since he and Walt split at the end of season 2.

After Sayid and Desmond were able to get some alone time with "Kevin," the freighter's janitor, Sayid demanded that he tell the tale of how he ended up on the ship. After "Kevin" asks one of his co-workers to go fetch a part, the janitor tells his sorry tale. And since the story takes nearly a whole episode to tell, the supply closet the co-worker runs off to must be very far away.

Michael tells Sayid how he came to the boat and became "Kevin Johnson." He was living in New York, but not with Walt, his son who he loved so much that he murdered two of his friends to save. Walt can't look him in the eyes... because Michael made the mistake of admitting that HE MURDERED TWO OF HIS FRIENDS TO SAVE HIM. Probably not the best strategy to build a father/ son relationship on.

Michael attempts to kill himself, but can't seem to pull it off. After obtaining a gun from a pawn shop, he runs into none other than dapper, gay, and ass kicking Other Tom, who tells him that he won't be able to kill himself... because the island "won't let him." After Michael finds it impossible to shoot himself in the head, he knocks on Tom's door at a swanky hotel where he is given the assignment of infiltrating the freighter and killing everyone on board... in order to save his former castaways on Mystery Island.

Obviously, Michael is a little hesitant to take the assignment from The Others, who did, you know, kidnap Walt and turn him into a murderer. But Tom tells Michael that the man who commissioned the freighter, Charles Whitmore, was the one who staged the fake Flight 815 wreckage... which is exactly what the freighter's captain claimed BEN DID in last week's episode.

So who's lying? Michael is convinced that Whitmore's the man behind the fake crash, because Tom shows him documents and photos that seem to implicate the mysterious businessman. And after Tom tells him that once Whitmore's crew gets to the island, they are supposed to kill everyone there, it's enough to convince Michael to sign up for the covert mission, in order to save the people he sold out to leave with his son in the first place.

Michael arrives at the freighter, checking in as "Kevin Johnson," and meets the crew we've gotten to know in the last few weeks. A mysterious box arrives for "Kevin," which turns out to contain a bomb that Ben wants him to use to blow up the freighter (which seems like a bit of a stretch, because if this Whitmore guy was capable of staging a fake plane crash, wouldn't he have some way of preventing spies with bombs boarding his ship? Just sayin'.)

Michael attempts to detonate the bomb, which turns out to be a dummy with a little note that says "not yet" on it. Nice touch Ben, you demented fuck.

"Kevin" receives a call to the ship from someone claiming to be Walt... who of course turns out to be none other than the puppet master himself, one Benjamin Linus. Ben tells Michael that the bomb was a test, and that he would never "kill innocent people," even when he is fighting a war. Obviously, the whole thing is some sort of fucked up psychological trick that Ben is playing on poor Michael, but it's clearly an effective one.

Anyway, back in the present, Michael finishes story time. Sayid's one question is "so you're working for Benjamin Linus?" and when Michael nods, he drags him to the captain and tells him everything. For some reason, the captain looks unimpressed... so maybe they knew all the time. And maybe, just maybe, selling out Ben's spy to Whitmore's people is a bad idea... we did learn earlier this season that Sayid himself is working for... Benjamin Linus.

Back on the island, Ben tells his daughter, Alex, to find safety because the people coming to the island will want her once they find out she's his daughter. Alex's boyfriend and mother, Rosseau (Warrior Princess,) join her as they follow Ben's map to "The Temple" (a hatch we still haven't seen that Ben says will keep her safe and which might finally help explain that creepy four toed statue that appeared at the end of season two and still hasn't been addressed again,) where they are ambushed. Alex's mom and bf are both killed, but she is spared when she throws up her hands and says that she's "Benjamin Linus's daughter."

Which, methinks, was probably all part of the puppet master's plan. Again.

So, we've got another five weeks to wait until more "Lost" goodness because the writer's strike delayed production on the hsow for nearly three months. Were those internet residuals really worth making us wait that long for "Lost?"

Lost Post Script: When Death Comes A Knockin'

As a P.S. to my catch up post, and just reacting to the promo that promised death next week (which was pretty morbid, semi creepy, and, duh, supremely effective) it made me think of previous "Lost" castaways we have...well, lost.

And it made me wonder one thing...does anybody remember Shannon? And how Sayid fell for the annoying, Paris Hilton-like character? Sayid, the ultimate badass, fell for the whiny blonde girl?

And Boone... the first major character to get iced. Poor Boone, Shannon's ill fated brother in law, who was done in by Locke's weird and creepy ideas that the "island demanded a sacrifice."

And then there was, of course, Ana Lucia, Mr. Ekko, and poor, poor Libby. And Niki and Paulo, two characters who were brought in late in the game just for the purpose of being killed off in the brilliantly "Twilight Zone-ish" morality play episode.

But then there's Charlie. Poor Charlie, the only truly beloved character the producers have killed off.

So whose gonna bite the dust next week? I don't think anybody but the already established Oceanic Six (and, of course, Benjamin,) are really safe next week. Claire is clearly not going to make it (since Kate's got baby Aaron in the future.) But my money is on Jin, whose death would make a poetic companion episode to last night's tear jerker about his relationship with Sun.

We'll see next week. Way to tease our bloodlust, ABC advertisers. And way to prove the point of artsy European filmmakers who make movies about Americans having...well, the lust for blood in their pop culture choices.

I miss Charlie.

But I don't miss Shannon. At all.

Lost Watch: Playing Catch Up

I'm behind on my "Lost" blogging. Sorry. I'm going to kill three birds with one stone and discuss the last three weeks of "Lost" in one monster post. Here goes:

Episode Title: The Constant
Air Date: 2/28/2008
In a fourth season that has consistently been kicking all kinds of ass, this was the motherfucker of all "Lost" episodes. It was a Desmond-centric episode all about Vonnegut-inspired time travel. That's right, due to what Daniel Faraday describes as "complications" caused by flying from the island, Desmond Hume becomes unstuck in time. Poor Des, who was the unlucky bastard that got stuck pressing those infernal buttons in the original hatch until Locke showed up, is now jumping back and forth between being on the freighter just off the island and to his time serving in the army, which he signed up for after leaving Penny for the first time. Never has a man, fictional or real, suffered more because of his fear of commitment.
Daniel tells Desmond to go find.. Daniel, or the younger version of Daniel, who is at Oxford trying to create a machine that will...well unstuck people in time. Desmond's consciousness keeps skipping back and forth, and Daniel warns him that it could kill him...unless he finds a "constant" to keep him grounded, which of course turns out to be the love he keeps leaving, Penny.
Desmond first slips back to the past while he, Sayid, and the new helicopter pilot are flying from the island...a flight that takes twenty minutes from their point of view and THREE DAYS from the point of view of the islanders. Talk about relativity.
On the freighter, they meet the "communications officer," who has also gone nuts and is slipping back and forth in time...just because he looked at the island through a telescope. And bonus, the communications officer is played by "Hackers" and "Short Circuit 2" (which far superior to the first "Short Circuit" film, duh,) star Fisher Stevens. Who promptly dies after his brain is fried by the time jumps, giving Demond a grim motivation to give Penny a call and find his constant.
The episode ends with Daniel reading an old notebook, which now has notes about Desmond within. In the book, Danile writes "Desmond Hume will be MY constant," which means that a.) Daniel is going to become unstuck in time as well or b.) Daniel hearts Desmond.
Overall, "The Constant" was the stunning mindblower to top the rest of season four's constant line of stunning mindblowers.

Episode Title: The Other Woman
Air Date: 3/6/2008
It was inevitable that the week after a mindfucking time travel episode featuring Desmond, the next episode would be a letdown, but the Juliet-centric "The Other Woman" turned out to be the worst episode of season four so far. Which is to say, it was still pretty damned good overall.
Basically, we learn that Juliet had an affair with one of the Others, Goodwin, who was memorably killed by Ana Lucia in season 2 after she realizes he was posing as one of the Oceanic crash survivors. Goodwin was married to the bitchy Harper, who seems like she's the Other-town shrink or something. Turns out Goodwin was sent off on the dangerous infiltration mission precisely because of his affair with Juliet...because Ben Linus apparently has a thing for skinny blonde fertility doctors. That's right, Ben is obsessed with Juliet and considers her "his." This leads to a weirdly inappropriate kiss between Jack and Juliet after she confesses her feeling for him, which seems wrong since he so totally likes Kate, I mean OMG. This whole subplot was a little too 90210 for me, but it is cool to find out that Ben has real, human emotions, even if they are of the creepily possessive variety.
Anyway, the bitchy new character, Harper, somehow shows up in the present to warn Juliet that Daniel and cutie new arrival Charlotte are on their way to "The Tempest" station, and she tells her that they plan on releasing the gas that Ben used to kill all the Dharma folk back in the day. When Juliet catches up to them, it turns out they are actually trying to neutralize the gas so Ben can't use it on them- or anyone else.
In Other-town, Ben finally lets Locke in on a little secret- the freighter off the island is run by one Charles Whitmore. That's right, Penny's dad is looking for the island- and Benjamin claims he wants to exploit it. This might not be true, but it's enough information to trade off Benjamin getting let out of the basement and moving into his own house...much to the chagrin of roomies Sawyer and Hurley (man, that's a sitcom setup right there.)
Overall, this was the least exciting episode of season four, but it set up things which will clearly become important a little bit down the line. Not the show's finest hour, but they can't all be mindblowing time travel adventures, can they?

Episode Title: Ji Yeon
Air Date: 3/13/2008
So we're finally caught up. The Sun and Jin-centric "Ji Yeon," was a trickily structured little episode that had a nice little twist packed in. In the flashbacks, we see Sun about to give birth to the baby she realized she was having back on the island...and we see Jin rushing to get to the hospital, buying a stuffed panda for a newborn on the way. So happy ending for those two, huh, they're both part of the Oceanic 6! Except...there were already 5 survivors revealed as part of the six. Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sayid, and baby Aaron makes five. So two more people home from the island does not add up at all. Turns out at the end that the producers were messing with us, and cross cutting between a Jin FLASHBACK and a Sun FLASHFORWARD. So Sun is the sixth and final survivor to make it home. Which turns out to be heartbreaking, because in the "present" on the island, Sun and Jin have a lovely little episode where he finally finds out that she cheated on him back in Korea...and he forgive her, admitting that he was a cold jerk when they were first married who deserved what he got, but now he's a better man who loves her very much. The final flash forward has Hurley showing up to see Sun's baby as the two of them go and visit Jin's grave. BUT WAIT! Jin's grave says he died when Oceanic crashed...which is obviously a lie and part of the whole coverup that the Oceanic 6 have agreed to be a part of. Does this mean Jin died in some sort of struggle that ended with the six leaving? Or does this possibly mean that Jin (and others) are still alive, back on mystery island? I am deeply of the belief that there are plenty of crash survivors still kicking it back on the island... why else would ghost Charlie tell Hurley to go back and tell them that "they need you?"
Meanwhile, on the freighter, Sayid and Desmond finally get to meet the captain. Even though somebody slips them a note that warns them not to trust him, the badass cap'n turns out to be more direct and forthcoming than anyone would have expected (especially for a character on this particular series, where every single new person is a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a mindfuck with hidden agendas that usually make them too guarded to admit whether it's cold enough outside to bring a coat, let alone give any real information about themselves or anything ever.) The Captain tells Sayid that a recovery of Oceanic 815 was staged, leading him to ask where "one would get 324 dead bodies." He tells them that the faked recovery is one of the reasons his employer is interested in finding Benjamin Linus...and admits that his employer is Charles Whitmore, which comes as quite a shock to Desmond. But the final twist in the episode is when the bald asshole doctor takes Sayid and Desmond to their new living quarters, a roach infested room with blood splattered creepily on the wall. When the bad doctor says, dryly, "that shouldn't still be there," he calls the ship's janitor over. When he introduces Desmond and Sayid to the clean up guy, Kevin Johnson, everyone's favorite Iraqi torture artist has to keep his shit together... because it's none other than MOTHERFUCKING MICHAEL. That's right, gone since the season 2....let me repeat that, SEASON 2...finale, the man who betrayed his friends for the sake of his son is back in the motherfucking house.
So I guess we know who Ben's spy is, don't we?
Next week is the eighth episode of season four, and the last before a long hiatus caused by the writer's strike. But since it's gonna be a Michael episode, it promises to be a good one. And in their ghoulish and exploitive way, the promos for the eighth episode promise that "NEXT WEEK...SOMEONE....WILL...DIE!"
Hang onto your butts.

Lost Watch: In The Future, When All's Not Well

Episode Title: Eggtown
Air Date: 2/21/2008

So another week, another last minute blog post about "Lost" before the new episode airs. You should have seen what it was like when I wrote essays in college. I started one fifteen page term paper the night before it was due. And got like a B+ or an A- on it. ANYWAY. On to last week's Kate-centric episode.

On the Island, We Learned
-Kate needs some info from the Asian Ghostbuster guy.
-Locke has become batshit crazy.
-Benjamin is still fucking with his head all over the place.
-Asian Ghostbuster guy wants to talk to Ben
-Kate springs Ghostbuster and takes him to Benjamin
-Ghostbuster asks for $3.2 million to lie and tell his employers Benjamin is dead
-Benjamin says yes and tells him he can get the money (hmmmm...so Benjamin is even more than just a guy whose lived on the island forever, as was made clear by the amazing Sayid episode.)
-Bat shit crazy Locke kicks Kate out of their weird little suburban island community because he's losing control of his minions

And in the future, we learn:
-Kate is on trial for the crime she committed before they landed on the island.
-Her mother decides she won't take the stand against her daughter...and asks to see her "grandson."
-Jack testifies on Kate's behalf, telling a cooked up tale of eight survivors of the Oceanic crash- leading one to speculate that two of the "survivors" died before Jack and co. became the Oceanic 6, and one of the dead is probably Claire
-Because Kate's "son" is none other than Claire's baby, little Aaron.

Woah.

And, oh yeah, the helicopter with Sayid and Desmond on it heading for the freighter?
Missing.

We're already halfway through the initial eight episodes of this shortened by the Writer's Strike "Lost" season. Thank god the producers have promised five more episodes after the initial eight, with a four week break between episodes. But seriously, thanks a lot writers. Was your residual fight really as important as a full season of "Lost?"

(Yes, it was.)

Lost Watch: This Shit Just Got Real

Episode Title: The Economist
Air Date: 2/14/2008

A fairly accurate dramatic recreation of my reaction to last week's amazing, Sayid-centric episode:

So we learned that, in the future:
-Sayid is a member of the "Oceanic 6."
-And he's an assassin
-Who kills people trying to fuck with the other survivors
-And he works for Ben.
Holy shit.

Meanwhile, in "the present," after trading the annoying Asian ghostbuster guy for the hottie Australian chick from "Death Proof," Sayid is about to get off the island on a helicopter.
Yeah, off the island. Which I'm sure we won't see this week.
You brilliant fuckers.

"Lost" is real good these days.

Overanalyzing Indy

Anyone who knows me (y'know, the real me, not the digital avatar version of me,) knows that I am kind of a fan of the Indiana Jones movies. In high school, I spent almost all of my free time during my junior and senior year working on a fairly ambitious Indiana Jones flick with my friend, spending the time my peers were using to get drunk, high, and laid making a nearly feature length homage to Spielberg's adventure trilogy. My friend crafted nazi armbands for the villainous extras, we researched the history of our mythic object Indy was hunting (Excalibur in our movie,) we drove out to remote locations for unimportant shots, we blew up a model of the nazi base, and we talked dozens of our friends into donating their time to dressing up as nazis and getting killed off quickly.
So yeah, I'm kind of a fan.
The trailer for the long awaited fourth installment of the franchise, "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" premiered last week, so I was obviously excited.
If you haven't seen it yet, check out the trailer right here, embedded for your viewing pleasure:

So how do I feel about the teaser after viewing it dozens of times in the last week?
Strangely unmoved, to be totally honest.
The trailer is just cut in a really odd way, and the pacing of the whole thing is off. This doesn't mean the movie looks bad- I just feel like the teaser didn't really convey much of anything about what we've got in store for us on May 22. That said, here are a few observations.
-The buildup in the beginning is fucking stupid. Indy movies are fun, light on their feet, cartoony adventures modeled after old school serials. The first half of the trailer implies the movies are some sort of "Lord of the Rings" epic style trilogy, which is exactly where the "Pirates" sequels went wrong... which makes me nervous.
-Ray Winstone looks sweet as Indy's sidekick. But Ray Winstone is pretty much always sweet.
-From this trailer, it looks like David Koepp (writer of "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,") watched the original trilogy and said "oh, he uses that whip a lot," and somehow that was the biggest thing he got out of Indy. I hope they don't overuse the whip- it is part of what makes Indy Indy... but let's not carried away, people.
-Cate Blanchett looks totally ridiculous as a Nazi, I mean commie commander... which is not necessarily a bad thing.
-I love the moment when Indy tries to swing into a car, crashes into another truck and says "damn, I thought that was closer." Then he looks at the two goons for a beat before we cut to the outside of the truck as the goons are tossed out. That's the kind of moment that the original trilogy is filled with, and that moment, more than anything, gives me hope for the movie. But it also leads me to the moment I hated most in the trailer.
-Indy whipping up into the ceiling and pulling himself out of the speeding truck before it crashes into other speeding cars, which causes an awful looking CG explosion. The whip up move is a little too Batman for me, and I mean Schumacher Batman. And CG explosions are just not very Indy to me. Let alone CG Indy himself. These movies are all about insane stunts, done by Harrison Ford or his stuntmen. Now that Indy can do anything because of computers doesn't mean the character should be able to do anything- watch out for the "Die Hard" effect, as they try and turn Indy into a superhero.
-Shia, the jury is still out on you in this one. He doesn't look like he's gonna be Shortround or Jar Jar Binks... but will he serve a purpose other than to get teeny boppers in their seats (and he will. Despite his nebbishy looks, I heard a seventeen year old girl this weekend describe Mr. LeBouf as "gorgeous." Ooooooookay.) Shia is the luckiest fucker in the world after landing the Indy gig, and Spielberg has faith in the kid. I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt, especially since he was the least sucky part of Michael Bay's "Transformers."
-There are stereotypical "native" types chasing Indy and co. in the trailer. I'm glad Spielberg and his team didn't get all PC just because they've won some Oscars and made movies about "tolerance" and things like that. I'm being serious here though- it's the style of those old serials, and anyone who gets offended by that type of thing needs to lighten up.
-I don't know what that collapsing temple thing is, but it looks potentially cool.
-Ford looks like he can still bring it, which is the most important thing to take from the trailer.

So, a mixed bag, but I will obviously be there for the midnight shows, ready to give you my reaction to the actual movie, fair readers. I still think the title sucks, and worry about the thing that could really bring the whole movie down- the rogue Lucas factor. George Lucas already ruined "Star Wars" for us with his awful prequel trilogy, let's just hope he doesn't ruin "Indiana Jones." Because even though the trailer looks like it was cut by a retarded, over caffeinated monkey, I still hope the movie kicks ass and can't wait to find out if it does.
Until then:

Watch the Trailer on Yahoo! Movies

Lost Watch: The New Hotness

Episode Title: Confirmed Dead
Air Date: 2/7/2008

I hate to short change my Lost post, but it is Thursday as I write this, and the next episode is on tonight...and there is also an Indiana Jones trailer to discuss. Being a geek is fucking exhausting.

Episode 2 of this shortened season was completely kick ass. We got quick intros to our four new islanders, all of whom seem interesting, complex, and not the bad guys out to kill everyone Ben claimed they were. But they might be working for bad guys out to kill everyone.

And why was Ben so intent on keeping them off the island?

Because the fuckers came there for him.

Oh shit.

Ben's storyline is getting more and more intriguing with every episode of "Lost." His baiting of Sawyer was so great because you knew Sawyer realized he was being manipulated into beating him up even as he did it. Brilliant shit.

Meanwhile, John Locke is trying to act like a leader...and quickly learning Jack's job is not so easy. As Jack said towards the end of season one, (I'm paraphrasing because I'm far too lazy right now to actually look it up,) "I think we've got a John Locke problem."

Mr. Ghostbuster, with his weird dust buster paranormal communication machine thing, is about to blow the roof off the house with the whole Jacob thing too.

And tonight's episode is supposed to be a Sayid story. Fuck yes.

Lost Watch: Welcome Back, Hurley

Episode Title: The Beginning of the End
Air Date: 1/31/2008

And, we're back.

After a long hiatus, "Lost" kicked off season four, to big ratings during a time when America is so desperate for new, non-reality based content that they even stuck around after the episode aired to watch the absurd looking "Eli Stone."

The new "Lost" wasn't a mindblower, at this not the way that previous season premieres have been. Obviously, we didn't get anything as spectacular as our first look at the inside of the Hatch in season two or the revelation of the creepy Other-town in season three. But what fans were treated to last night was a lot of setup for what promises to be a wild ride in season 4.

Surprisingly, last night was a Hurley episode, and right away, in the new flash forward structure, we realize that he was one of the people taken off the island, along with only five others (The Oceanic 6.) So far we know half of the people who made it off-island- Jack, Kate, and now Hurley. The flash forward began dramatically, with Hurley in a high speed car chase on the LA freeways (as common a sight to Los Angelenos as rain in Seattle.) But it turns out that Hurley was being chased by the cops- because he ran out of a convenience store after being spooked by something. He didn't rob the place at gun point, he just ran off. I mean, even if Hurley run out with some HoHos and Twinkies without paying for them, would there really be a high speed chase with multiple cop cars pursuing him?

So Hurley gets himself committed, where he is visited by a creepy bald black dude who asks him if "they're still alive." As Jack made clear in the season finale, the Oceanic 6 have made some sort of hush hush deal in which they've promised to keep quiet about whatever happened to them on the island. Hurley's second visitor is more disturbing...none other than poor dead Charlie. The Drive Shaft singer tells Hurley that, yes, he's dead...but that he is there, right in front of Hurley. Charlie tells his old friend that "they need him," presumably referring to the other crash survivors he left behind on the island. When a pre-bearded Jack visits Hurley, he tells him that "it" wants us to come back. It, probably, being the island itself, which has turned out to be one of the most demanding land masses in the history of narrative fiction.

Back on island, in "the present" part of the story, Hurley has to deal with Charlie's death- and begins to think that his friend's warning that the people coming are not Penny's people means that Locke might be right, and they could be hostile. On his way back to the rest of the survivors, he runs into Locke himself...but not before he sees Jacob's creepy shack. Yes, Hurley can see the shack- and a person inside it, in the scariest moment of the season premiere. When he turns away from the little shanty, it's in front of him again. So Hurley's in tune with whatever crazy wave length allows Locke and Benjamin to see Jacob.

When the survivors finally reunite, Hurley has seen Locke's point of view, and decides that staying on the island might be the best option- because that's what Charlie died trying to tell them. The islanders split into two teams, with Captain Jack and Captain Locke being the leaders. Hurley, Claire and baby, the tied up Ben, and, shockingly, Sawyer, join team "stay on the island," while Kate and Sayid stay with Jack. The funniest moment of the episode was when Bernard, who promised to stay on the island with his ailing wife, asks Rose if she wants to go with Locke and she responds "I'm not going anywhere with that man." Probably a good call. He did put a knife in the back of the new arrival before they got a beat on whether she's a good guy or not.

One more note on the flash forward stuff- Hurley tells Jack "I should never have joined up with Locke," so he clearly regrets his decision...though we don't know what exactly went wrong with it. A weirdly upbeat Jack tells Hurley "it's water under the bridge, man," as if joining Team Locke was just a social faux pas, so who knows?

The episode ends with Naomi's friends parachuting onto the island, starting with Jeremy Davies, 90's indie film actor who starred in "Spanking the Monkey" and "Saving Private Ryan," and has always specialized on awkward bordering on creepy characters. When he takes off his helmet, he tells Jack "we're here to rescue you." Time will tell if he's lying.

So, on to theories.

Hurley can see Jacob and his house because of his "insanity" that landed him in the loony bin in the first place (which is where he was in flash backs and the new flash forward.) He either really is insane, or really can see dead people (which is why Charlie comes to him in the flash forward,) an ability he shares with Ben and Locke.

Hurley's igloo drawing at the loony bin has something to do with the arctic hatch from the end of season 2.

The creepy bald black guy is working for an organization looking for the island, and it's going to become very clear how important the island itself is to a lot of different people very soon.

Davies' character works for such an organization. They're not really there to rescue Jack or anyone. (This one is easy to guess, seeing as there are already promos for this season that give that away.)

Letting Ben go with Locke is a really bad idea. Like, really bad.

Jack will look weird with a beard, like Hurley said, but only because it will look fake as all hell. (I guess this isn't a theory, more of a statement on the beard from last season's finale- which, in my mind, is really the only thing I can criticize about that amazing episode.)

This season is going to kick a lot of ass once it gets going, and blow a lot of minds.

Let's Get "Lost" Tonight (You Can Be My Black Kate Austen Tonight)

First off I apologize for the awful Kanye reference in the title. Oh wait, I don't. Because it's awesome.

Anyway, "Lost" returns tonight (and along with it, my long and rambling post-episode blog posts,) and I'm fairly excited. As in, "it's all I think about now that the college football season is over" excited.

So here are my totally 100% guaranteed to be accurate predictions for the fourth season.

The Smoke Monster Will Finally Reveal Itself
In a stunning cross promotional move between JJ Abrams franchises, it's gonna be the monster from Cloverfield, hereby referred to as Cloverfield. Which makes him less scary. As in, "look out, it's Cloverfield!" It just doesn't have the same ring to it as Godzilla, King Kong, or even Mothra, who, as his namesake implies, is...a giant moth. Anyway, Cloverfield will turn out to have drinking problems, get arrested with a DUI after shooting one day, not get along with the cast, and go the way of Mr. Ecco and Ana-Lucia. In a spiral of self destruction, Cloverfield will become addicted to pain killers, write a tell all book that reveals Mathew Fox to be a racist, and pose nude in Maxim.

In Another Cross Promotional Coup, The Cast of "Juno" Will Crash Land On the Island.
And about the first time one of them says "honest to blog," sings a Moldy Peaches song, or stops narrative progress to talk about hipster bands and obscure Italian horror movies that a former stripper screenwriter thinks would be cool for a sixteen year old girl to like...Sayid will kill them all.

Hurley Will Still Not Shed Any Weight.
This is a real prediction you can take to the bank. I've always loved how the writers have tried to address it, especially when they revealed that Hurley has a secret stash of Ranch dressing he hid from his fellow survivors. I'd probably do the same thing. Ranch is fucking good.

Despite Predictions Of An Upset Or At Least A Close Game, The Patriots Will Massacre The Giants
As long as I'm doing predictions, why not?

The People Jack Talks To On The Radio Are...
The Harlem Globetrotters! Didn't you ever see that episode of "Gilligan's Island?" They promised them that they'd send help back. They promised them!

In The New Flash Forward Structure, We'll Learn More About The Near Future
Though clearly, in the future, fake beards don't look anymore convincing.

Charlie Is Not Dead
But he will have amnesia.

Locke Will Get Engaged To The Island
But after a stormy six month engagement, Locke will break it off, saying that the two have grown apart.

If the Writer's Strike Doesn't End Soon, All The Lost Fans Out There Are Going To Be Pretty Pissed Off In Eight Weeks
Especially when the eighth and final episode that has been produced before the strike began turns out to be about Nicki and Paulo.

Check out which of my predictions come true tonight on "Lost." I'm pretty sure the "Juno" thing is going to happen. I know I'd love it if that movie and everything about it crash landed on a remote island (except for Michael Cera. He must be protected, as he is a national treasure.)


Jack To The Future

The Ballad Of Johnny Saltlake, Or Sundance In a Day and a Half

I promised that I'd follow up my small post about Salt Lake City with a full report from my Sundance trip almost two weeks ago. Seeing as I am a pretty lazy blogger, any of my (millions of loyal) readers would not be blamed for thinking I was never going to fulfill my promise. But here I am, ready to give you the lowdown on the trip and my experiences at Sundance 08.

I jumped into the loaded car with three friends, one of whom had his film, Freezer Burn (which is a really cool and funny comedy that blends elements of science fiction, romance, and character drama into a very original and impressive first feature,) in the Park City Film Music Festival. We drove into Vegas first, and stayed at the Stratosphere. As a major Vegas fanatic, I can now, with full confidence, recommend that you never stay at the Stratosphere. You might as well be in Primm, Nevada (the gas station/ resort 50 miles away from Vegas for people who can't wait less than an hour to feed the demons of their gambling addiction.) The Stratosphere is a bland and ugly place, and the drinks aren't cheap enough to justify how bland and ugly it is. Give me a scummier cheap casino, one of the few remaining classic casinos, or even one of the ridiculous Disney-fied themed Casinos over the Stratosphere. The Stratosphere fails to be any of those things, while featuring some of the worst aspects of all three. Hell, I'll take Circus Circus over it. Because, even though you feel like you might get stabbed by a meth addict at any given moment in Circus Circus, the place has character.

We mostly were in sin city just to sleep, so we only hit the casino floor for about an hour and a half...which was enough time to get five strong whiskey drinks in me and lose 40 bucks playing roulette. Satisfied and drunk, I retired to my room for a brief night of sleep before we hit the road to Utah.

Utah- gorgeous place that I hope to avoid visiting other than for future Sundance trips. But the state didn't get truly disturbing until we entered the Salt Lake City limits. The billboards were the first things that creeped me out. Weird bible quotes, ads for motels that claimed "Brigham says the La Quinta Inn is the coziest in Utah!." an ad for "the first R-rated Mormon film," one of those "adopt a highway" signs that said the highway was adopted by "mothers against gun control," and weirdest of all, a few giant ads that had pictures of recently departed people with their date of birth and death listed on them. I'm sorry for your loss, but did you need to advertise that your family member died?

Then there were the street names. Turn right from West100North Street onto North100East Street. Are the mormons just too uncreative to think of street names or are they just fucking with us secular sinners?

And of course, there are those pesky alcohol laws. Only one ounce of booze per drink, unless you order a "sidecar," which is a second ounce of alcohol served in a shot glass that the bartender is not allowed to pour into your drink for you. And most of the bars are actually called "social clubs," which means you have to pay to get a "membership" to drink there. Even the beer has lower alcohol content in Utah. I guess the Mormons figured that if they're going to Heaven for their beliefs, they should put themselves through Hell on Earth before they die.

The locals seemed to be borderline openly hostile to the invasion of Hollywood types. I used to read about how agents, actors, and directors would invade the town and drive the locals crazy sipping their lattes and yammering on their cell phones (a 90s version of Hollywood stereotypes, I know since this is what everyone in America is like at this point,) and I sympathized. But after a few encounters with SLC citizens, I lost all sympathy. The girls at the CVS Pharmacy near our hotel were openly making comments about us and said as we walked out "but what do we know, we're just a bunch of hicks." I didn't say it, you did. Listen, not to be a jerk, but you work at a CVS in Salt Lake City. You can't make me feel bad about anything in my life.

So, anyway, Sundance. Park City was a short half hour drive up a mountain from Salt Lake, and once you got into town, it was gorgeous. Snow blanketed the entire charming ski town, and being a California native, snow is something that you generally have to drive into mountains to see. It was a frigid 11 degrees outside when we got into Park City, but we bundled up and braved the crowds. We only ended up seeing one movie for a short, day and a half trip to the festival, but it was a doozy- George Romero's newest zombie pic, "Diary of the Dead." The movie was probably Romero's most bluntly political (in a series of bluntly political horror films) but it also had more gore and action than the previous entry into the series, "Land of the Dead." The whole film was shot handheld, with a digital camera, supposedly by one of the main characters, ala "Cloverfield." The device works about as well as it does in the JJ Abrams monster movie, but the characters address the fact that their friend won't stop filming during a crisis way more than Hud's friends do in the year's first blockbuster. Anyway, there was lots of zombie gore, a crazy sequence with a mute Amish badass, and plenty of left leaning political commentary. My kind of movie.

And the good old hippie/ icon of gory and violent horror cinema, Romero, was there, telling the crowd that "I'm a little drunk," and earnestly explaining that "Diary" is "one from the heart." The guy sat two rows behind my friends and I, which was great.

As for the famous Park City celebrity sightings, we had very few of note other than the awesome Romero Q and A. We saw the guy who plays Lloyd on "Entourage," but I've seen him at almost every single slightly big hollywood event I've ever been to as press, so that's hardly one to get stoked about. Our fellow travelers did go to a big MySpace party that Maroon 5 played at and met USC Great Reggie Bush (who my dog is named after, which would have been a weird thing to tell him if I had been at the party) and Perez Hilton. I wonder if those two had anything to say to eachother. Unfortunately, one of my friends got kicked out of the party because some of the former USC players were trying to get their friends in using his bracelet. Not being an SC alumni, I have a feeling he probably thinks a little less of the Trojans than I do. Just slightly. We met up with him after the movie while he huddled in the mall for warmth as we imagined a zombie apocalypse destroying the agents and assistants working the many parties along the frozen streets of Sundance.

Mostly our festival experience taught us that we should probably plan a little more in advance before we go, get ourselves some real Sundance badges and decide what we want to see ahead of time. And oh yeah, probably spend more than just a day in Sundance and try and be there after the first couple days, when nobody is really there yet and none of the big films are screening. All the reports from Sundance 08 I've read in the media have made me feel like I didn't miss much... there didn't seem to be many gems in the festival this year that critics and audiences are excited about. And if the current version of a Sundance "gem" is something as overrated as the cute but not that cute as last year's big hit (and current best picture nominee, WTF,) "Juno," than I weep for the state of American independent cinema.

Our drive back from Utah turned out to be the best part of the trip. As a creative challenge, we decided to start writing a screenplay with the goal of completing a feature by the time we got home. We only got fifteen pages deep, but we decided to keep going with it and finished the script last night. The script is called Johnny Saltlake, and it's about a badass from the town he's named for who seeks revenge on the bad guy who wronged him, befriends a coyote in the desert, runs for Utah state office in order to change the aforementioned liquor laws, fights a giant, Cloverfield-like monster, kills a group of ninja assassins with a chainsaw, discovers a global Mormon conspiracy, fights a flying Shark, hangs out with Martians, becomes the savior of mankind, and smokes. A lot. And that's only part one.

We finished the script yesterday, and it's a full blown, ninety minute feature. And it's totally, completely insane. So if one great thing came out of Sundance 08, it's "Johnny Saltlake." Maybe there's hope for the American indie film scene after all.

The Decline of Coachella

The Coachella lineup was announced this week, seemingly much earlier in the year than usual. Perhaps the festival's promoters announced the acts so early this year in order to make up for the extremely underwhelming and somewhat bizarre group of acts they've assembled.

Roger Waters doing “Dark Side of the Moon” is their top headliner? Oh my god everyone, let’s spend $100 to see the guy from Pink Floyd drag out that old warhorse of an album at Coachella even though we didn’t spend $30 to see the same thing when he played it at every local amphitheater across the country a year ago! I feel like Waters has been touring “Dark Side” for the better part of a decade now, so how is his playing it at Coachella supposed to be the big headline that makes you jump up and say “oh fuck, I have to go to Coachella this year or I’ll regret it for the rest of my life!” This is the festival in which The Pixies played their first reunion show in the same year that Radiohead and Kraftwerk played just a few years ago. Maybe if they had put together a full Pink Floyd reunion, then that would have been something to get excited about…or not. I’m no longer a stoned high school student, so it’s hard for me to get really excited about Pink Floyd at this point in my life.

Led Zeppelin reunited last month and is probably going to tour the U.S. soon. If they wanted the stoned teenager in all of us to come out for Coachella, couldn’t they have tried harder to get the Led out?

And then there’s the first day’s headliner…Jack fucking Johnson. Really? Really? This is the best you could do? I guess Coachella has really abandoned adventurous music fans and turned towards taking cash from bros who just want to listen to some chill tunes and drink some cold brews in the sun while they play hackey sack, toss Frisbees, take their shirts off, continue to repress their latent homosexuality, and just generally drain their father’s trust funds. Coachella used to be a place to where music lovers would make a pilgrimage to the desert to see edgy and interesting musicians, and now one of their headliners is a guy whose brand of boring acoustic rock is blandly inoffensive enough to be used as the soundtrack for the “Curious George” movie.

There are a few surreal choices clearly meant to fulfill the 90s nostalgia industry that will probably hit its peak in a couple years with nostalgia for 90s era 70s and 80s nostalgia. The Verve is playing…huh? I liked that “Bittersweet Symphony” song as much as everyone else did in the nineties, but did they even ever record another song after that? Without orchestral Rolling Stones samples, that band had nothing. Then there’s Portishead and Fatboy Slim, filling in the slot that Massive Attack occupied two Coachellas ago, and proving that not every ninties electro act was created equal.

And, oh boy, Tegan and Sara are there again. Yay. Do those girls just live at Coachella? Their shrill and annoying acoustic rock will make you wish that Sheryl Crow was playing. Or that you were dead.

And then there’s Dwight Yoakam. Country superstar Dwight Yoakam, who has sold millions of albums, getting lower billing than Death Cab For Cutie at a festival that is utterly lacking in country music and country music fans. Anybody wearing a cowboy hat at Coachella is just trying to be ironic. How did Dwight even end up on this bill? Was there some sort of bizarre trade between the indie rock and Country music worlds? Somewhere out there, is Built to Spill nervously playing a set between Garth Brooks and Tim McGraw, trying to avoid beer cans tossed at their heads when they criticize President Bush between songs?

As a sidebar though, Mr. Yoakam was quite amazing in the Jason Statham action junk movie “Crank,” playing the doctor who provides Statham with the movie’s exposition and explaining that he needs to inject himself with adrenaline…or his heart will stop.

It just feels like the festival planners don't know who their audience is anymore now that Coachella has grown so massive. Or maybe they have figured it out, and I'm just not part of that audience anymore, which is kind of sad. And what do I know? Maybe all the hipsters will show up to see Dwight’s set... but you know, ironically. And only because there’s nothing else good to see at the festival this year.

SLC WTF

My last post was a bit on the negative and angry side, so I hoped my next entry would be positive and happy in order to show the world that I'm not just another embittered blogger ranting and raving anonymously over the internet. Unfortunately, I stayed in Salt Lake City this week while attending my first Sundance film festival. And discussing Salt Lake City makes positivity...difficult.

So instead of bitching about Salt Lake in this entry (that will come later,) I'm just going to post a picture of a sculpture of a cow wearing a jet pack that was across the street from the Marriot we stayed at. It's literally the only cool thing I saw in Salt Lake City. And the only thing that didn't piss me off, annoy me, bore me, or just plain creep me out in the entire fucked up city.

I'll post more about my epic three day trip later. Reggie Bush and George Romero are involved, so stay tuned.

2007: These Are Some of My Favorite Things

I'm working on my top ton movies of 2007 list (I'm still woefully behind on big titles, but I'm getting there,) so I decided to make a pop cultural grab bag of other stuff I really dug in 07 (and a few things I really hated.)

FUNNIEST SHOW ON TV: 30 Rock
Tina Fey's sharp and absurd sitcom is the show that has carried on the tradition of the great, dearly departed "Arrested Development." And the show's second season is where it really took off, delivering some of the biggest laughs network TV has ever given the viewing public. Alec Baldwin talked about leaving the show during the summer hiatus because of his personal problems, but it's great for America that he didn't. His "coming out" speech when he tells his Republican peers that he's dating a Female Democratic Senator is classic, matched by his scene where he accompanies Tracy Morgan to therapy, playing the part of his entire family- and basing his impressions on seventies sitcom characters. The cast has morphed into one of the most unrelentingly funny ensembles on television. Morgan's delivery can make even the most banal lines hilarious, while Jack McBrayer, as weirdo NBC paige Kenneth, has created a truly "funny because he's weird" character, and Jane Krakowski is delightfully ditzy as the self centered actress Jenna. The show has featured a great list of guest stars, including Jerry Seinfeld, "Arrested's" Will Arnett, "The Sopranos'" Edie Falco, and even Princess Leah herself, Carrie Fisher, while never using them in a gimicky way. But it's Fey who really anchors the show, and her performance as the overworked, romantically challenged producer Liz Lemon is equal parts charming, sweet, and funny. She's really grown into her role this year, while continuing to run the entire show. The forced hiatus of this show right in the middle of their scorching hot second season might just be the biggest tragedy of the Writer's Strike. Come on, producers and WGA, settle this thing- we need our "30 Rock" back.

BEST DRAMA ON TV: Friday Night Lights
Who wouldathunk that a show about football would also be the most honest show on television about race, class, and life in small town America. Kyle Chandler should run for president after playing the most decent man on TV, Coach Taylor, and his young ensemble of players all have their moments to shine. I'm behind on the second season of "Nights," but the first season was one for the record books. If you're not watching this show yet, start now. Tune in, and make sure you've got some tissue- you'll probably cry. A lot.

MOST OVERRATED SHOW ON TV: Heroes
So this was supposed to be my list of things I liked. So what? It's my list, and I'll be negative if I want to. Fans of Tim Kring's X-Men ripoff are disappointed with season 2 of the show. Which seems dumb, since season one is nothing to write home about. I've watched the first season on DVD, and while there are a few intriguing episodes, it was mostly boring. I don't like most of the characters, and everyone's favorite Hero, the Japanese time traveler named...Hiro (how clever,) comes off as more or less a giant, obnoxious stereotype. And the show had one of the absolute worst season finales I've ever seen. The show led you to believe everything was coming together for a big, fatalistic ending...and then just a whimper. Speaking of finales, this lead us to...

MOST HOLYSHITFUCK TWO HOURS OF TV IN 2007: Lost Season Finale
I don't know how much else I can really say about this amazing episode. It was a shocking, gripping, edge of your seat thrill ride, with a "game changing" twist in the very last scene that left each and every "Lostie" breathless. This amazing episode, along with the producers' announcement that they had an end date for the show in sight, and therefore could tell the story the way they wanted to and on their own terms, restored the faith of every one of the show's fans, and reminded us why we the story of the survivors of Flight 815 grabbed us in the first place. And it made us forgive them for the Nicki and Paulo episode (which I'm kind of a secret fan of anyway.)

MOST DISAPPOINTING TV SHOW: 24
I am a "24" nut. I defended the decisions of the show's producers in the latest season, sure that they had some plan to make it all come together in a way that would satisfy. The first four episodes were some of the finest work done on the show ever. Yet this last season, as a whole, was an utter disappointment that veered too often into ridiculous territory. The most intriguing part of the season- Jack's father showing up- was poorly handled, and, combined with some of the most unmemorable villains in the show's history, this was by far the weakest season in the show's history. "24" was guaranteed pulse pounding thrills and suspense, but delivered nothing but frustration in "day six." Maybe the writer's strike all but scrapping day seven will give the writers and producers time to fix the problems and get "24" back on track.

BEST ALBUM OF 2007: Radiohead's In Rainbows
Amid all the hype behind Radiohead's grand experiment in releasing their latest album for download and allowing fans to "pay what they want," the actual quality of the album was sort of ignored. Reactions by fans have been mixed, but I think the new album is remarkably coherent, confident, and just simply gorgeous. The band mixes electronic music with rock and roll in a way that is much more organic than their messy previous effort, "Hail to the Thief." And it's a more mature, grown up album too- Thom Yorke's lyrics seem a bit less alienated, and a bit more hopeful. "Reckoner" may be the most gorgeous track they've ever recorded.

BEST VIDEO GAME OF 2007: Super Mario Galaxy
Nintendo finally shows us what they were trying to do when they thought of the Wii with this endlessly innovative and inventive game, the latest entry into the most successful video game franchise ever. The gameplay in "Galaxy" is constantly evolving and changing up on the player, and it's just a pure joy to experience. It's also one of those games that reminds you that video games are supposed to be fun...and you will have nothing but fun in this amazing game. How many other twenty year old franchises, in video games, movies, or television, are still this fresh and inventive after all this time?

BEST X-BOX 360 GAME OF 2007: Bioshock
The ambitious first person shooter combines Ayn Rand with classic shooter gameplay, and sets the whole thing in an amazing underwater city. It's one of the most atmospheric games I've ever played, and the fact that the creators tried to tie in literary themes is really cool and ambitious. Too bad the game falls apart a bit in the end, but overall, "Bioshock" is a unique experience, and it's totally worth taking the dive.

BEST PS2 GAME OF 2007: GOD OF WAR 2
The PS2 could not have had a better swan song than this sequel to the amazing "God of War." Everything is bigger and more kick ass in the sequel. Sure, the story is kind of a rehash of part one...but you won't care as you pull the eyes out of an attacking cyclops and fly through the world map using Icars's wings. It's just completely kick ass.

BEST NOVEL I READ IN 2007: The Yiddish Policeman's Union, By Michael Chabon
Chabon's followup to his Pulitzer Prize Winning novel, "The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay," may not be as fun and entertaining as his historical epic about comic books, love, and the 20th century. But "Union" is equally ambitious, telling the alternate reality murder mystery set in an Alaska that became the Jewish homeland instead of Israel. The imaginative novel combines classic hard boiled lit conventions with big ideas about Jewishness and their struggle for a homeland, managing to say a lot about the Middle East from the snowy peaks of Alaska.

BEST CONCERTS I'M NOT ASHAMED ROCKED MY ASS OFF IN 2007: Tie: Elton John in Las Vegas/ Billy Joel in Las Vegas
I'm usually an indie rock snob, but these two shows, in which the crowds consisted of middle aged yupppies who wouldn't understand why The National doesn't haven an s at the end of their name and would shake their heads in sadness thinking I was referring to a terrible tragedy at the mention of The Arcade Fire totally rocked my socks off. The Piano men reminded me what real showmanship is and kind of put all those indie rockers, with their shy and soft spoken stage demeanors, to shame. I guess that's why these guys charge over 100 bucks a ticket for decent seats. And also because all their yuppie fans have good jobs.

CHEESY PIRATE THEMED DINNER THEATER EXPERIENCE THAT COST ONLY TWENTY THREE BUCKS OF 2007: The Pirate Dinner Adventure in Buena Park
I probably enjoyed this more because I didn't pay the full 46 bucks to attend this silly evening of swashbuckling and...singing. The food was bland, the wine was crap, the beer was cheap and watered down, and the show had a silly Christmas theme to it. But I got to put on a pirate vest and help pull up a sail, and I only paid half price. If you're looking for a night out that involves a pirate show along with your meal, then this is your only option. But if you're more into jousting Knights, Medieval Times is right next door.

BEST TRIP TO VEGAS OF 2007:Billy Joel/ Jerry Seinfeld Trip, November
I went to Vegas a lot in 2007. Like once every two months. So I had a lot of fun trips to pick from. But the weekend we went to Sin City to see Billy Joel, and ended up getting tickets for Jerry Seinfeld as well, was probably the best. There was plenty of drinking, the Piano Man, observational humor, a stay in the gloriously cheesy New York New York. Plus the Rio buffet!

MOST INCREDIBLE MEAL OF 2007 (AND PROBABLY MY LIFE:) Emeril's "Kitchen Table" Meal, Las Vegas MGM
My friend Kyle invited me and another friend to meet his hooked in Disney friend...at Emeril's Vegas location, where were treated like VIPs at their famous "kitchen table" area. We were treated to an amazing six course meal with amazing foods I've never tried, an incredible glass of wine per course, and then a pile of amazing deserts at the end, which included the amazing and famous Bannana Cream Pie. I don't want to think about what the bill came out to in the end. I just want to think about the food.

MOST SOUL SHATTERING DEATH OF 2007: Kurt Vonnegut
That one hurt. "Slaughterhouse 5" rearranged my brain when I read in high school. Some people say you grow out of Vonnegut as you get older. These people are just trying to be cool. The guy saw this country for what it was, and it made him sad and angry, but he still had hope and compassion for all the people who let him down for so long. America lost their funniest, most whip smart, satirical, clear eyed, honest, and humane writer last year. So it goes.

BEST PART OF 2007 ENDING: Bush Has One More Year
'Nuff said. Happy 08, fans.